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(jazz music)

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- You're Lilah?

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- [Lilah] Arnold?

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- What's the password?

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- [Lilah] Romeo sent me.

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- He must like you.

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- [Lilah] Did he say that?

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- He sent you to me.

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- He knows I'm desperate.

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- You came to the right man.

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- So, how do we do it?

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- You have money?

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- I didn't know how much I should bring.

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- Five hundred.

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- Jesus.

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- They're 20 bucks a pop.

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I can sell you a package of 25.

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This is prime stuff, guaranteed fresh.

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- Could I see them?

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- No free samples.

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- Look, this is my cookie jar money.

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I've got to see what I'm buying.

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- Never let it be said.

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- What does a Polish girl get that's

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long and hard when she gets married?

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Where's the punchline?

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- That's what you pay me for.

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- Speaking of marriage,

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I'm married to a Polish man.

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I don't know if you know Polish men,

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but he gave me something long and hard

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when we got married.

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You know what?

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- [Male] Yeah, a last name.

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Oh, you heard that one, huh?

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- I hate Wilma Flintstone.

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I want to talk about it.

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I think she's a fucking bitch.

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- I'm from right here in New York,

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from a large family.

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There's 10 kids in my family, man.

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That's a lot of kids.

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My father has stretch marks.

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They're the punch of us.

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- I know you're all staring at me

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thinking my God, look at this girl.

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She looks so much like Diana Ross.

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I can't get over it.

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- I'm going to do an impression

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of Gandhi's mother.

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Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich.

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- My wife bought alligator gloves.

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I said "What are you gonna do

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"with alligator gloves?"

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She said "I'll put them on,

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"I'll tell them I got a skin condition."

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- Have you tried Leech Off?

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Leech Off? Yes.

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Leech Off works naturally

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with hydrochloric acid.

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Just a few drops in each eye,

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you can kiss those leeches goodbye.

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- We were making love the other night.

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I felt he was holding back.

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So I said, "Sweetheart,

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"we've been married for 15 years.

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"When we make love,

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"I don't want you to hold back.

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"I want you to do

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"whatever you want to do."

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So you know what he did?

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He threw up.

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The thing about being married

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to a Polish man

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you'd think that it would be

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like being married to anyone else.

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- [Male] The first physical contact

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I had with a woman

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came very early in life.

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I saw this girl dancing,

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and I went up and bit her on the chest.

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- [Female] Slaughter, huh?

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They're saving the whales.

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They're saving the seals,

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but nobody gives a shit

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when they kill a baby polyester

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just to make a goddamn...

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- [Male] Hollywood's newest concept for

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a wax museum comes from an ear doctor

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who treats the stars.

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- [Male] I don't want to argue with you.

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Please, with the stereotypes.

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Chinese people are excellent drivers.

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Fine, a lot of Jewish people

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pick up a check, fine.

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A lot of Japanese tourists

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have no photo equipment.

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They have big dicks, fine.

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- Listen, you'll like this.

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It works in my history class.

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Okay, Nathan Hale

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who said "I only have one life."

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Listen, I can wait, I'm waiting.

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I have all the time.

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(buzzing)

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(dramatic music)

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- [Taxi driver] Asshole!

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(dramatic music)

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- Excuse me, I'm Steven Gold.

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- Mr. Gold.

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How nice of you to drop by.

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- Sorry I'm late.

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You know, I was up studying all night.

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- That's all right.

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Certainly seems to be paying off

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for you, doesn't it?

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- Sir?

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- On the written portion you got a 98.

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It's the highest grade in the class.

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- I did?

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- Yes, that's quite an accomplishment

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for a student who's been

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on academic probation

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for the last half year.

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- Thank you.

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- I'd call it incredible.

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Wouldn't you?

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Trace the path of digestion, Gold.

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Label everything along the way.

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- Was this on the prep sheet?

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- No, but for a man who scored 98

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on the written test

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this should be no problem.

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Labels please.

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- If I could just say

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a word about labels

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I think that to truly function

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in today's society

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a doctor has to have an understanding

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of the human being as a whole.

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Do you not agree?

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- Oh, I would, uh-hmm.

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- So I could stand here,

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and I could name things.

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I could name the hard palate,

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and soft palate, the pharynx,

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the epiglottis, the oesophagus,

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the stomach, the spleen,

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but that doesn't really begin to

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touch on the fact that

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the gastro-intestinal system,

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which is your specialty,

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Doctor Wishniak, indeed, the field that

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I hope to go into

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is really responsible

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for keeping the whole human being alive.

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The heart, the lungs,

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everything pales by comparison

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because man

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is motivated

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in everything he does by hunger.

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- Popular belief has it that

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man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.

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- Let me tell you something.

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You show a starving man

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a beautiful woman and a pizza.

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What do you think he's going to choose?

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Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.

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- Name the parts, Gold.

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If you can't get 100 percent,

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you're not the man who took that test,

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and if you sent someone else in

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to take it for you, you're out!

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- Splenic flexure of

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the transverse colon.

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Greater omentum.

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Vermiform appendix.

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The intestine.

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- What part of the intestine?

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- The large intestine.

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- What part of the large intestine?

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- Well, look...

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- Do you know it or not?

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- Yes, of course I do.

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- Then what is it?

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- The poop chute.

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I call it the poop chute

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because I don't believe

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in shrouding our organs

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in a bunch of mysterious names.

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This is why people are

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afraid of doctors.

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- We're washing you out, Gold.

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- Dr. Wishniak, please.

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I've been under something

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of a time problem this semester.

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I've been working nights.

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- Can I be frank with you?

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There are people with real talent,

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and dedication waiting for

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a spot in this school.

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Now one of them is gonna have yours

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because it serves no purpose to

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let someone like you become

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a practitioner of medicine.

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What good does it do Mr. Gold

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to allow someone with no talent for it

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to treat people with

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life-threatening ailments?

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- Well, it will cut down on

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the number of people with

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life-threatening ailments.

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- Is everything a joke to you?

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- No, it's not, Doctor, I'm sorry.

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I'm sorry, please,

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I'd like another chance.

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- [Dr. Wishniak] Sorry.

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- I can't flunk out.

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- [Dr. Wishniak] You already have.

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- What am I gonna do?

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- This work you do at night,

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is it anything you have a talent for?

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- Rectum!

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(jazz music)

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No, but seriously now

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if the phone does ring and it's for me

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that means it's my father,

228
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and he thinks it's the phone number of

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the dormitory at school,

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so everyone shut up.

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Last week he calls me up.

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He said "Son, I want you to tell me that

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"you're in the top half of your class.

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"Are you in the top half of your class?"

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I'm in the half of the class that made

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the top half of the class possible.

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I know that sounds kind of deceptive,

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you see, but if anyone has pulled

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as many strings as my father has

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you kind of have to break it easy to him

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that you flunked out.

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- Your hair looks great.

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- [Lilah] You think?

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- [Female] It's gonna kill.

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- Oh, thanks.

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- [Percy] Hey, mom.

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- Hi, Percy.

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- Check it out.

249
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- Yeah.

250
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- It's Lilah time.

251
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- Hi, Brian.

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- I love your hair.

253
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- My husband's gonna kill me.

254
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He hasn't seen it yet.

255
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- Dump the asshole.

256
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- It's very mango.

257
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It's very Zulu, it's very Lucy.

258
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- Lilah, I talked to my manager,

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and he said that

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you should send him a tape.

261
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Everybody starting out needs a tape,

262
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and he says that the networks

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they love housewives.

264
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They're into housewives.

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- Everyone loves housewives.

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That's why Jesus loved Mary.

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It's a true story.

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- Who's got a cigarette?

269
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- Who's got a tape?

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- Lilah, my friend Sammy

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will make you one for $1 00.

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- [Lilah] Who's got $1 00?

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- You need a tape, trust me.

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- You need a tape.

275
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- She needs a tape.

276
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- All right, I need a tape.

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Could someone please do me a big favor,

278
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and trade places with me tonight?

279
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I haven't been home all day.

280
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,355
My husband's really pissed off.

281
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,315
- Not me.

282
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:39,164
- Not l.

283
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,158
- [Lilah] Why not?

284
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,239
- Lilah, tonight's the first-come,

285
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,035
first-served night, right?

286
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:44,868
And you want to

287
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:45,752
right after that Mr. Ball.

288
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:46,868
He gets the audience into a fractured,

289
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:48,424
frenzied, bloodthirsty state,

290
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,498
and I can't follow that.

291
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,044
- [Brian] Zip me.

292
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:54,047
- [Lilah] Who's up now?

293
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:55,838
- The very genuine, the very wonderful,

294
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:59,132
the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.

295
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,297
- Who's up next?

296
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:01,224
- The very vivacious

297
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,052
Sister Saint Monique.

298
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,095
- Brian, wouldn't you please

299
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,851
do me this favor and trade with me?

300
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:07,813
I'll make it up to you.

301
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:08,732
- Beg me.

302
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:09,559
- Please.

303
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:10,404
- All right.

304
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,228
- Thanks.

305
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,062
- Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.

306
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:12,896
- [Lilah] Thanks.

307
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,070
- Make it a scotch and soda.

308
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:16,319
- Why, Sister.

309
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:20,525
- I'm no New Yorker.

310
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,073
I didn't know about the city,

311
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,116
so I had to learn,

312
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:26,039
so I want to take one of these tours.

313
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,458
Got on this tour bus run by this guy,

314
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,368
Tommy Chen, and Tommy didn't know shit

315
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,127
about New York City.

316
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:35,501
Tommy Chen was making it up

317
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:36,916
as he went along.

318
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:38,474
"Okay, this right here,

319
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,718
"this Columbus Circle.

320
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,720
"This call Columbus Circle because

321
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,101
"when Columbus came here

322
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,518
"he looked all around."

323
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,851
(laughter)

324
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,488
"You know how subway get its name?

325
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,990
"Subway originally were tunnels

326
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,661
"filled with water.

327
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,869
"People travel uptown, downtown,

328
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,870
"on big long submarine.

329
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,656
"Hold 300, 400 people,

330
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,036
"but they were very slow."

331
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:13,884
- Hi.

332
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:14,668
- How you doing?

333
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,500
- I'm Eve.

334
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:16,335
- I'm Lilah.

335
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,299
- I know, I saw your stand-up last week.

336
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,721
- Is that the week I got a laugh?

337
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,640
- How long have you been doing it?

338
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:25,679
- 13 weeks and three days,

339
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,391
but who's counting?

340
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,721
- I know, it takes time.

341
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:30,596
- Eve, pick it up.

342
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,983
- "Right over there Central Park.

343
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,810
"It named after cousin

344
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,935
"to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park

345
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,322
"who had another cousin named Prospect,

346
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,662
"but he lived in Brooklyn."

347
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,365
- How long before you get like that?

348
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,910
- Steven?

349
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,253
I'm afraid he was born that way.

350
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,209
- You know him?

351
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,828
- Oh, yeah.

352
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,754
- [Steven] "And they were from Harlem."

353
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:57,844
- That well?

354
00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,958
- Briefly.

355
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,456
Asshole needed a place to stay.

356
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,587
- [Steven] "We don't want to see Harlem.

357
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:03,593
"We don't want to see

358
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,224
"poor people in Harlem."

359
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,721
- Not a good experience, huh?

360
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,184
- A lot of laughs.

361
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,887
- [Steven] "I can't really blame them.

362
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,435
"Nobody want to see unhappy places.

363
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,939
"Nobody want to see sad places.

364
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,732
"People want to see beautiful places.

365
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,275
"People want to see a beautiful world,

366
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,780
"and I show it to them

367
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,122
"even if I have to fake it.

368
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,196
"I'm not just a tour guide.

369
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:32,825
"I'm a tour stylist."

370
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:33,712
Thank you.

371
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,168
(applause)

372
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:37,918
Thank you very much.

373
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,220
- Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen.

374
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:49,471
The comedy of Steven Gold.

375
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,641
How about that, huh?

376
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:52,602
A very lovely guy.

377
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,602
A sick guy, but a very lovely guy.

378
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,444
You know you're at

379
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,268
the Gas Station, right?

380
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,102
- Hi.
- Hi.

381
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:57,936
- I'm Lilah.

382
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:58,770
- Hi.

383
00:14:59,064 --> 00:14:59,614
- I'm a big fan of yours.

384
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:00,439
I watch you all the time.

385
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,983
Maybe you could watch me sometime,

386
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:02,936
and give me some pointers?

387
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,105
- Surely, right now I have to

388
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,113
go clean my fish tank.

389
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,284
- [Romeo] Basically for lunatics,

390
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,532
I want to keep bringing them up here,

391
00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:09,163
whether you like it or not.

392
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:09,990
Are you ready for it?

393
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:10,834
- [Male] Yeah.

394
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,198
- All right, let me hear it.

395
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,914
Okay, now the next lady

396
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:16,285
is not very funny,

397
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,042
but she does have

398
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,134
chronic yeast infection,

399
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,132
and she has a Polish husband,

400
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,342
so I don't know which is worse,

401
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:25,722
so let's be nice to her, come on,

402
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:26,718
let's give her a nice big

403
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,179
Gas Station welcome, come on.

404
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:29,339
Ladies and gentlemen,

405
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:30,677
Miss Lilah Krytsick.

406
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,261
Come on, Lilah, come on up here.

407
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:34,266
Show them what you got.

408
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,435
Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.

409
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,032
- [Male] Get her a ladder.

410
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,783
- How's that?

411
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:51,615
This is the first time anybody's

412
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,039
asked me to make it smaller.

413
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,165
- Thank you, Romeo.

414
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,460
It's true, my husband is Polish

415
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:04,464
which I, personally,

416
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,505
don't think is very funny,

417
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,009
but if any of you think it's funny

418
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,470
I'd like to tell you that to him

419
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,640
the term "simultaneous orgasm" means:

420
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,517
It could happen in the same room.

421
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:18,768
- I don't understand.

422
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:19,941
Kids in the history classes,

423
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,899
they love it, they think it's funny.

424
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,689
- Well, it is funny.

425
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:24,523
It is funny, Jerry,

426
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:25,437
but the audience goes after you

427
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,284
because you let them,

428
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:27,108
and if they do that

429
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,153
you got to fight back.

430
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:28,985
If a guy heckles you,

431
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,029
heckle him right back, you know,

432
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,412
use that old joke about his wife.

433
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,909
Excuse me, Sir, but is that your wife?

434
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,371
Do you have any naked pictures of her?

435
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,951
Would you like to buy some?

436
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:37,946
How about naked videos?

437
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:38,997
How about eight-millimeter

438
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:40,369
pornographic loops?

439
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,036
How about naked pictures of her with me?

440
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:42,884
With farm animals?

441
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,418
With ex-cons from New Jersey?

442
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,132
It's an old joke, but it shuts him up,

443
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,842
and the audience gets a laugh, huh?

444
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,052
Attack, Jerry.

445
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:49,881
- Why would he have

446
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,545
naked pictures of his wife?

447
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,255
- Forget everything I just said.

448
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,255
Just forget everything I just said.

449
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,097
- Hey, Steven.

450
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:57,931
- [Steven] Yo.

451
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,475
- Hey, could I talk to you?

452
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,558
- [Steven] Well, step into my office.

453
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,404
- See you later.

454
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,348
- [Steven] Yeah.

455
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:04,187
- Have a good show, yeah?

456
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:05,021
- [Jerry] I will, Sir.

457
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:05,855
- [Romeo] You'll kill them.

458
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:06,690
I know you will.

459
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,154
- [Jerry] See you later.

460
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:09,404
- What do you want?

461
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:10,235
- Are you taking a bath?

462
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,449
- Making a pit stop.

463
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,200
Been sleeping on a couch lately.

464
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:15,411
- Hey, you could use my office.

465
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,661
Do you need some money, is that it?

466
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:17,702
- Oh, look, if this...

467
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:18,615
I can't pay you back

468
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:19,792
if that's what this meeting is about.

469
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,210
- Hey, come on, we're friends,

470
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,538
we're like a family here.

471
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:23,333
I'm certainly not gonna ask for

472
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,455
money back when you're in a tight spot.

473
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,882
- Well, you're a prince.

474
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:26,920
- [Romeo] No, but I take

475
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:27,962
care of my people.

476
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:28,795
- You are a saint.

477
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:30,129
- Yeah, like I took care of Robyn Green.

478
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:30,974
- You are God.

479
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:32,298
- Hey, two years, I took him

480
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,763
through hard times, I did,

481
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,143
and what happened?

482
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,929
One night, a talent scout walks in,

483
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:38,972
"Goodbye, Romeo."

484
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,426
Not a thank you, not even a postcard.

485
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,806
- [Steven] Not a 10 percent commission.

486
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:42,772
- This is not about money.

487
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:43,772
He hurt my feelings.

488
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:44,943
- It is about money.

489
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:46,520
You pack this place up, Romeo,

490
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:47,935
and you pay us $15 a set.

491
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,033
- Yes, and then you get discovered,

492
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:49,898
and what happens to me?

493
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:50,824
I'm still here.

494
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:51,651
- Where you rake it in,

495
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:52,485
while we're selling

496
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:53,700
our blood to the Red Cross.

497
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:54,529
Don't tell us about

498
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:55,363
any big favors you do.

499
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:56,367
- Hey, I could have turned

500
00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,198
this place into a garage.

501
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,413
- [Steven] Well, why the hell didn't you?

502
00:17:58,702 --> 00:17:59,292
- I'll tell you why

503
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,618
because God helped me, I love comics.

504
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,583
- [Steven] Oh, Jesus.

505
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:02,542
Cut to the chase, cut to the chase.

506
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:03,461
- What chase, what's he talking about?

507
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:04,289
- Cut to the chase.

508
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,543
You want to be my agent?

509
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:06,584
You want 10 percent of

510
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,877
the $15 you pay me?

511
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:08,710
- Is that a problem?

512
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,554
- The $12 I get for selling my blood?

513
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:11,669
- [Romeo] You know, I'm a very rich man.

514
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,255
- I've been selling off my whole body.

515
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,510
Usually you have to wait 'til you die.

516
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,342
Well, they're making

517
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,586
a special case for me.

518
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,137
I got $8 for a lung,

519
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:19,470
I got two and a half dollars for

520
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,515
a pound of my liver.

521
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:21,678
I've been selling my sperm to

522
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:22,725
a fertility clinic, you know that?

523
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:24,058
Yeah-yeah, the sperm bank has

524
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,353
a night-deposit slot.

525
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:26,476
I'm making a fuckin' fortune.

526
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:27,402
I'm just getting tired of sticking

527
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:28,729
my dick in a cold metal machine.

528
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:29,574
- That's funny stuff.

529
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:30,398
- And you're laughing at that.

530
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:31,232
- Write it down, it's funny.

531
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,607
- I have written it down.

532
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:33,533
- Steven.

533
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:38,700
I want you to remember me, that's all.

534
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:40,082
- Who's Madeline Urie?

535
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:41,159
- She provides talent for all

536
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,083
the major networks.

537
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,332
She scouts for Letterman.

538
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,543
She scouts for Carson.

539
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:46,873
She saw your first show.

540
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,207
She wants to see you again.

541
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,802
- Is this for real?

542
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,549
- She's upstairs right this minute

543
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:54,971
waiting for you.

544
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,215
- Why didn't you just say so?

545
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,766
What should I do?

546
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,019
I'll do the subway stuff.
- No, no.

547
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:05,850
- I'll do the medical stuff.

548
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:06,685
- The medical stuff.

549
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:07,519
- I'll do the medical stuff.

550
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:08,353
- Do up your fly is what you got to do.

551
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:09,187
- Well, we're trying to

552
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,021
impress her, aren't we?

553
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:10,855
- I want you to have some
money in your pocket.

554
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:11,690
- I don't need any money.

555
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,534
- [Romeo] Put this in your pocket.

556
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,358
- I don't need any money, no, no, no.

557
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,032
- [Romeo] I'm telling you it
will make you feel strong.

558
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,070
- You do a lot of interesting things

559
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:16,863
in medical school.

560
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,526
You play a lot of really
fascinating games.

561
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,784
There's "Name that Organ."

562
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:23,541
It's small, it's shaped like

563
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:24,499
a swimming pool.

564
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:27,368
I'm gonna guess kidney, am I right?

565
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,206
Of course, you had to go to

566
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,290
medical school for a really long time.

567
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:30,125
- What do you mean

568
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:30,959
you don't know his name?

569
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:31,793
We've had the same pediatrician

570
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:32,627
for eight years.

571
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:33,921
How could you not know his name?

572
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,924
- Lilah, I have to call my manager.

573
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:38,965
- How high?

574
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,600
Is she up, could I talk to her?

575
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:42,849
Would you put her on please?

576
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:43,680
- Lilah, listen,

577
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:44,524
there's a talent coordinator here,

578
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:45,428
and I want to find out who it is.

579
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:46,346
- Heidi.

580
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:49,099
Heidi, honey.

581
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:49,936
Tell me what's the matter?

582
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:50,770
- [Steven] There's a very

583
00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:51,944
important class in medical school.

584
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:53,152
- When did it start?

585
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,402
- advanced Bedside Manner.

586
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,152
This class teaches you

587
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,197
how not to do a shudder-take

588
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:02,951
when you know your patient

589
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,373
is going to die.

590
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,245
Well, let's see, we just got

591
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,289
these X-rays back from the lab.

592
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,173
Let's take a...

593
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,500
(laughter)

594
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:20,677
- Taxi!

595
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:23,638
Taxi!

596
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,061
Roll down the window.

597
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,058
- I'm going to the garage.

598
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:30,904
How far you going?

599
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,148
- [Lilah] Just a couple of

600
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:33,189
blocks down the street.

601
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,692
- All right, get in, come on.

602
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,407
- I lied, I'm going to Jersey,

603
00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:42,488
and I've got your name,

604
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,623
and your identification number.

605
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,700
Mr. Hadji Gonzales, you better take me

606
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:47,535
where I want to go,

607
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,249
or your job goes right in the crapper.

608
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:50,249
- Oh, lady.

609
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,963
- ♫ I say my prayers each night

610
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:01,336
♫ To make my soul a little cleaner

611
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,045
♫ Then I get up in the morning

612
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,676
♫ Try to catch me a novena

613
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,479
♫ I'm the envy of everyone

614
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:15,020
♫ Especially the Catholics

615
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:17,475
"Eat your heart out Nell Carter

616
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,316
♫ 'Cause I'm married to the fella

617
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:22,661
♫ Who's on the crucifix

618
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,738
- But I figured this is the perfect way

619
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,202
to get back at this tight-assed bitch.

620
00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:27,033
She'll come in,

621
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:28,577
she'll see this amputated member from

622
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,330
the male cadaver stuck up between

623
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:31,502
the legs of the female cadaver,

624
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:33,370
so I do it, fuck, I don't care.

625
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,457
She comes in the next day,

626
00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:35,751
and looks at it.

627
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:37,674
She says "Wow, I see one of you

628
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,343
"gentlemen left in a hurry last night."

629
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,551
I'm dead, I'm gone, I'm laughing.

630
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:42,722
To me this is the highlight

631
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:43,840
of my semester.

632
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,636
- You really did go to medical school.

633
00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:47,259
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, in fact,

634
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:48,886
my father thinks I'm still there.

635
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,142
- [Madeline] Well, how can that be?

636
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:52,515
- Well, he lives in Chicago,

637
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,231
and I live here.

638
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,061
My ex-roommates cover for me.

639
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:56,896
If my father calls

640
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:57,980
they leave me a message on my service,

641
00:21:58,275 --> 00:21:59,025
so it all works out.

642
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,898
- How long has this been going on?

643
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:02,744
- All year, a full year.

644
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:06,320
I figure I can hold on 'til spring.

645
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,446
- What happens then?

646
00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:09,914
- I don't know.

647
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:11,663
I was kind of hoping that something

648
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,205
would come along and replace it,

649
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,579
you know, like, gee, dad,

650
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:17,747
I'm not gonna be a heart surgeon

651
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,335
like you or my brother after all,

652
00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:21,339
but I am gonna be a star.

653
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:22,171
- [Madeline] Yeah,

654
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,296
you are gonna be a star.

655
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:25,383
- Oh, you think so?

656
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:27,297
- [Madeline] Absolutely.

657
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:28,256
- And you're in a position

658
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:31,015
to know about such things?

659
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:34,098
- That's what they pay me for, yeah.

660
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:37,899
- So what are you gonna do?

661
00:22:38,982 --> 00:22:42,822
- Send someone on down here to see you.

662
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:43,741
- Who?

663
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:45,992
- Can't say.

664
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:49,741
- Okay.

665
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,235
When?

666
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,746
- I think it's better if I don't tell.

667
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:54,749
- [Steven] It's that much of

668
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,170
a mystery, is it?

669
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,788
- Isn't life more fun that way?

670
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:02,588
- Lady, I've been coming down here

671
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,341
for 18 months, 18 months,

672
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,394
and I have not missed a night.

673
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:08,297
I take the money that

674
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:09,175
my father sends me,

675
00:23:09,471 --> 00:23:10,511
and I pay for a shrink,

676
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:11,596
and I buy groceries.

677
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,020
Now, I owe my shrink,

678
00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:15,678
and I'm behind in my rent.

679
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:16,807
My roommate's a bastard.

680
00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:18,194
He's changed the locks on my front door.

681
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,190
I can't get in.

682
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,191
He won't give me a key until I pay him.

683
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,403
You want to play games, I can play games.

684
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:24,323
I can play games.

685
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:25,151
I can play ventriloquist

686
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:26,355
with my underwear.

687
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:27,195
I can play darts

688
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:28,989
while maintaining an erection.

689
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:29,822
I can gargle dishwater,

690
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:32,117
and fart O Canada at the same time.

691
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:32,911
I can play the piano

692
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,453
without being popular.

693
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:35,286
I once had this dream.

694
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:36,290
I was dancing on a street corner

695
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,331
with a jackhammer up my ass.

696
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:38,254
Now that's either a sex dream,

697
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:40,582
or I need more fiber in my diet.

698
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:41,497
If any of this is turning you on

699
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:42,995
just let me know.

700
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,674
- [Madeline] Is this a joke?

701
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,680
- If you're sending someone down,

702
00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:51,511
you better send him fast

703
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:54,425
'cause funny Steve is going under.

704
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,984
- ♫ Here's hoping your tomorrow is grand

705
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:00,271
♫ It's been great to

706
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:02,824
♫ Entertain you for a while

707
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:06,028
♫ In your book of memories

708
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,359
♫ Keep the name Billy Lane

709
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:12,946
♫ Remember this night

710
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:15,373
♫ And smile

711
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:19,621
I love you, ladies and gentlemen,

712
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:21,746
but the love of my life

713
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:23,923
is the lady named Comedy.

714
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:33,801
- This is a really good one, Mom.

715
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:35,347
It's really funny.

716
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:36,430
- Oh, really?

717
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,515
- I got a knot in my hair.

718
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:39,850
Mom, could you help me?

719
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:40,685
- Just a second.

720
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:41,519
- Ow.

721
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,403
- Who is the most popular actor

722
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,940
in the Bible?

723
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:45,773
- [Carrie] I can't believe it.

724
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:47,187
Mom, it's the one day

725
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:48,816
I needed to be there on time.

726
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:49,652
- [Lilah] Well, just tell her

727
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:50,736
your mother overslept.

728
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:51,861
- Do you want to hear it, Mom?

729
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,067
- You didn't come to bed last night.

730
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:55,237
- No, I sat up with Heidi.

731
00:24:55,535 --> 00:24:56,615
Did Jenny even get home?

732
00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:57,872
- [Carrie] Yeah, after midnight.

733
00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:58,703
- Forget the eggs, honey,

734
00:24:58,997 --> 00:24:59,707
I don't have time.

735
00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:00,658
- Who's the most popular actor

736
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:01,497
in the Bible?

737
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:02,331
- [John] Where's the coffee?

738
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:03,246
- [Carrie] There's no
water in the kitchen.

739
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:04,383
- Why is there no water in the kitchen?

740
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,049
- It's on in the bathroom, no big deal.

741
00:25:06,338 --> 00:25:07,628
- Guess, Mom, take a guess.

742
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:08,553
- You intend to cook

743
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:09,590
with bathwater tonight?

744
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:10,553
Did you forget we're having

745
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:12,012
people over for dinner?

746
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:12,932
- Morning.

747
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:15,350
Mom, what did you do to your hair?

748
00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:16,179
- You forgot about tonight.

749
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:19,063
- Oh, Mom, you got egg in my hair.

750
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:19,891
- I think it's a grown-up one.

751
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:21,095
- I told you about it two weeks ago.

752
00:25:21,394 --> 00:25:22,484
Walter Robie, the church account,

753
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:23,691
or has my business

754
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,520
become completely unimportant to you?

755
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:26,435
- Was that tonight?

756
00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:27,273
- Something wrong with tonight?

757
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:28,437
- [Jenny] I'm eating at Susie's tonight.

758
00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:29,435
- You're staying home tonight.

759
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:30,276
- [Jenny] It's Friday night,

760
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:31,110
we're going to a movie.

761
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:32,204
- I said you're staying home tonight.

762
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:33,699
- Is someone coming tonight?

763
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:35,370
- Give me the brush, I'll do it myself.

764
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:36,409
- All right, all right,

765
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:37,411
I want you to do it anyway.

766
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:38,452
You do it much better.

767
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:39,995
Since Heidi is feeling better

768
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,038
I just thought that...

769
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:41,871
- You weren't planning on

770
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:42,995
going out again tonight?

771
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:45,881
- No, no, no, it was this afternoon.

772
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:46,959
There's this guy

773
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,174
who does these videotapes.

774
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:49,003
- I'm talking about tonight.

775
00:25:49,297 --> 00:25:50,507
- I'm talking about cooking.

776
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:51,549
- Stop arguing.

777
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:53,681
- [Jenny] I'll call you from Susie's.

778
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:54,839
- I want you home from school,

779
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:55,926
young lady, you hear me?

780
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:56,761
- Cut it out!

781
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,215
- [Lilah] You do not
live at Susie's house.

782
00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:00,055
- Is this gonna be every day now, Lilah?

783
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,890
And every night now?

784
00:26:02,185 --> 00:26:02,725
When you first asked

785
00:26:03,019 --> 00:26:04,309
it was to get it out your system,

786
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:05,904
but now look what the hell is happening.

787
00:26:06,189 --> 00:26:07,359
Three nights last week.

788
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,899
How many this week, how many next?

789
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:10,362
- Stop it!

790
00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:11,362
- What do you want?

791
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:12,403
- A wife.

792
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:13,236
- For dinner,

793
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,660
what do you want for dinner?

794
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,239
- [Jenny] I forgot my gym shorts.

795
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:18,624
- No favors, okay.

796
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,410
I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack,

797
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:22,905
or we can boil bags of

798
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:23,826
Stouffer's together.

799
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:24,924
I'm getting real good at that, you know,

800
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:26,958
Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer's succotash.

801
00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:27,842
- He is.

802
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,248
- And maybe after dinner

803
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,246
I can go down to that hole,

804
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:31,167
and watch my wife make

805
00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:32,634
a foul-mouthed jackass of herself.

806
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,474
- You've never even seen me.

807
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:35,549
- Whose fault is that?

808
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,344
- You said you understood about that.

809
00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:38,757
- Well, I don't.

810
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,813
- I couldn't be the way I need to be

811
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:43,851
if you were there.

812
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:44,694
- [John] Which is what?

813
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:45,888
- Different.

814
00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:46,727
- From what?

815
00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:47,732
- From what I am right here.

816
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:48,613
- What the hell is wrong with

817
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:49,728
what you are right here?

818
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:51,525
- [Jenny] Who took my gym shorts?

819
00:26:51,818 --> 00:26:52,988
- They're in Carrie's drawer.

820
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:54,148
- [Jenny] What are they doing

821
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:55,486
in Carrie's drawer?

822
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:56,780
- Coral put them there.

823
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:57,873
- These people I've invited

824
00:26:58,158 --> 00:26:59,328
they want to meet my family.

825
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:00,658
That's the way church people are.

826
00:27:00,952 --> 00:27:01,662
If they like your family,

827
00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:02,753
then they like to do business with you.

828
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:05,118
They have 17 churches I could insure,

829
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,665
and Jerry and I need the business.

830
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,039
Now Bunny does this for Jerry.

831
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:10,956
She cooks for clients.

832
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:13,422
- What time?
- 8:30.

833
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:14,465
- I'll be here.
- Thank you.

834
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,428
- You're welcome.
- Carrie.

835
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:17,588
- [Jenny] I need lunch money.

836
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:18,676
- [John] I need money, too.

837
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,430
- My wallet, it's...

838
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:22,471
- Where is it?

839
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:23,766
- I've got 20 bucks.

840
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,769
- I need 50 'til I get to the bank.

841
00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:30,650
- I have a dollar.

842
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:32,400
- Lilah?

843
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:35,440
- It was my money, I saved it.

844
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:36,697
- Where is it?

845
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:38,741
Lilah?

846
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,322
- I spent it.

847
00:27:40,617 --> 00:27:41,777
- On what?

848
00:27:42,077 --> 00:27:43,197
- Something I needed.

849
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,325
- $500, what did you buy?

850
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:52,837
- Jokes.

851
00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:57,339
- This is like living with

852
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,684
a goddamn junkie.

853
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:01,598
- Family in crisis, see you later.

854
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:07,981
- Were they good?

855
00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:08,979
- Not very.

856
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,771
- We were gonna go away with that money.

857
00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:14,897
You said you were saving it,

858
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:17,653
so the two of us could get away.

859
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:19,743
- I've got one, Mom.

860
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:21,911
You can have it for free.

861
00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:24,663
- I'm sorry.

862
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:26,794
- It's not that I don't want you

863
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,460
to be happy, Lilah.

864
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:33,497
I just don't know what the hell to do.

865
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:38,879
- Bye, Mom.

866
00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,234
- The answer is Samson.

867
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:50,059
- What?

868
00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:50,893
- He's the most popular

869
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,397
actor in the Bible, know why?

870
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,979
- No, sweetheart, I don't know why.

871
00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,897
- 'Cause he brought the house down.

872
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:00,776
- Hmm.

873
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:07,489
- I guess it's not grown-up enough.

874
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:11,254
- Look, Randy, don't be a prick,

875
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:12,081
all right?

876
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:13,245
The lady's crazy about me.

877
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:14,083
She's bringing the main guy down

878
00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:14,917
to see me tonight,

879
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:16,881
so screw the back rent, man,

880
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:17,962
I'm gonna be rich.

881
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,916
I'm gonna get discovered tonight.

882
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:21,837
Yeah.

883
00:29:22,802 --> 00:29:24,802
No, I can't, I don't, what?

884
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:26,556
All right, okay, I'm doing a nooner

885
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:27,468
in Queens today.

886
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,596
I can give you $100, but that's it.

887
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:31,944
I can't give you $800.

888
00:29:32,228 --> 00:29:34,808
Where the fuck am I gonna get $800?

889
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:35,806
So sell the fucking stereo,

890
00:29:36,107 --> 00:29:37,727
I don't care.

891
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,226
Look, if you're gonna lock me out

892
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,857
of my own house just do me

893
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:41,744
a favor will you?

894
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:42,820
Feed the birds that are outside

895
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:43,864
the window for me.

896
00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:44,697
Give them some of your food.

897
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:45,531
That's what I did.

898
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:48,485
Randy, don't, oh, fuck you!

899
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:49,997
- What an asshole!

900
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:51,458
Steve,

901
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:52,958
Steve, you know some guy named Arnold?

902
00:29:53,249 --> 00:29:53,789
- [Steven] Yeah.

903
00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:54,713
- Sells jokes?

904
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:55,581
- [Steven] Yes, yes, why?

905
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:58,127
- I'm looking for him.

906
00:29:58,421 --> 00:29:59,671
- You want to buy some jokes?

907
00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:01,304
- [Lilah] Sell some.

908
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:03,511
- Oh, you've gotten that good, have you?

909
00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:04,972
- Back, sell some back.

910
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:07,811
- [Steven] Oh, they didn't work.

911
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:09,717
- No, not for me they didn't.

912
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:10,716
- Well, a joke's a joke, babe.

913
00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:12,177
You just bought from the wrong guy.

914
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:14,437
Hey, Pedro, give me something awful.

915
00:30:14,729 --> 00:30:16,729
Are you having lunch?

916
00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:17,653
- Sure.

917
00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:18,611
- [Pedro] Spaghetti special?

918
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:19,900
- Sounds awful enough for me.

919
00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:21,403
One for the lady.

920
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,743
- Do you recognise me?

921
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:29,905
- [Steven] Of course, why?

922
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:32,543
- Uh-huh, I don't know,

923
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,871
you aren't usually this nice.

924
00:30:35,166 --> 00:30:37,376
- Well, I'll tell you a secret about me.

925
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:38,709
I get jealous when I see somebody

926
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,003
who's got it up on stage.

927
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:41,416
I can't help it.

928
00:30:43,466 --> 00:30:44,166
- Me?

929
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:45,427
- Yeah, you, with five minutes of

930
00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:46,258
the right material,

931
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:47,973
you'd be un-fucking-believable.

932
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:49,353
You've got that thing.

933
00:30:49,639 --> 00:30:51,929
People love you on stage, you know that.

934
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:52,925
- You mean it?

935
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,346
- All you need is the right gags, so...

936
00:30:55,645 --> 00:30:56,725
- [Lilah] You know, I try to

937
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:58,441
write my own jokes like last night...

938
00:30:58,731 --> 00:30:59,271
- But what are we here for

939
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:00,516
but to help each other out, huh?

940
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:02,647
- [Lilah] You'd be
willing to do this for me?

941
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:03,494
- Sure, yes, yeah.

942
00:31:03,778 --> 00:31:06,488
Where are you from, Jersey?

943
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:07,321
Jersey?

944
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:08,155
- Yeah, I'm from Jersey.

945
00:31:08,449 --> 00:31:08,989
- [Steven] Okay, do you have any kids,

946
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:09,834
or anything?

947
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:10,778
- Yeah, I've got three kids.

948
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:11,827
- Three kids, great.

949
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:12,660
- [Lilah] My feeling is that...

950
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:14,204
- What did this Arnold guy

951
00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:15,457
charge you for?

952
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:16,868
- [Lilah] $500.

953
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:17,706
- Okay, all right,

954
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:19,421
this is the right ballpark.

955
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:21,001
Now, Jersey, three kids,

956
00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:21,796
there's something there.

957
00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,668
- Look, I couldn't pay you right away.

958
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:26,796
I mean, I could pay you.

959
00:31:27,093 --> 00:31:27,633
I could pay you,

960
00:31:27,927 --> 00:31:29,177
I just couldn't pay you right away.

961
00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:32,720
- Yeah, how long does spaghetti take?

962
00:31:33,016 --> 00:31:34,806
- If I could find Arnold,

963
00:31:35,101 --> 00:31:36,231
I could pay you right away.

964
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,609
- Yeah, well, forget it, it's all right.

965
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,233
- Look, I spent my vacation money.

966
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:46,647
My husband's and mine.

967
00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:48,356
- Well, you got your priorities then,

968
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:49,196
don't you?

969
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:50,200
So spend your money on your vacation,

970
00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:52,741
and don't worry about jokes.

971
00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:55,696
I mean, it's not that important to you.

972
00:31:55,997 --> 00:31:58,117
- It's very important to me.

973
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,247
- What do you need it for?

974
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:04,666
- Ask my shrink.

975
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:07,879
Cheese,

976
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:08,796
cheese.

977
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:21,440
- You didn't mean it, did you?

978
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:23,231
- Yes, I did.

979
00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:24,784
- That I've got something?

980
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,188
- That I would sell you jokes.

981
00:32:26,486 --> 00:32:28,486
Do you want to buy some?

982
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:31,410
- Not from you, you piece of crap.

983
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:33,951
How do you get off treating people

984
00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:35,333
like this all the time, huh?

985
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:36,290
You know, I don't see your name

986
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:37,579
up in lights over there.

987
00:32:37,872 --> 00:32:39,542
So what if you're funny?

988
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,292
If that's all you are, so what?

989
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:43,335
Jesus, no wonder you're

990
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:44,168
there every night.

991
00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:45,002
You know what?

992
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:45,836
You've got nothing else to do,

993
00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:47,010
that's it.

994
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:48,508
- Hey, Pedro, hold the spaghetti.

995
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,430
Bring this lady that testicle salad.

996
00:32:50,718 --> 00:32:51,758
That ball-buster special.

997
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:54,853
You know, the one with the fork.

998
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:55,679
- If they're yours,

999
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:56,934
I'll need a pair of tweezers.

1000
00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,925
- Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.

1001
00:32:59,227 --> 00:33:00,557
- I thought you'd like that.

1002
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:03,813
Everything's a great big joke to you.

1003
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:04,727
- Lady,

1004
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,404
nothing is a joke to me.

1005
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:10,145
That's why I do stand-up comedy,

1006
00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:12,486
and that's why you don't.

1007
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:13,822
Yours is $1.50.

1008
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:20,414
- Wait.

1009
00:33:21,874 --> 00:33:22,624
Hey!

1010
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:29,258
What do you mean?

1011
00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:30,379
- Oh, lady, please.

1012
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:31,215
- No, you said nothing was

1013
00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:32,089
a joke to you,

1014
00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,005
now what do you mean by that?

1015
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:33,842
- Lady, I have to be somewhere,

1016
00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:34,677
and I'm running late,

1017
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:35,511
so you'll pardon me.

1018
00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:36,635
- You don't like women, is that it?

1019
00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:37,471
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

1020
00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:38,305
- I see you help Mister Ball.

1021
00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:39,179
- Mister Ball's got guts.

1022
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:40,055
- And I don't?

1023
00:33:40,351 --> 00:33:41,691
- You got gall, not guts.

1024
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:43,228
You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.

1025
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:45,191
What does it have to do with you?

1026
00:33:45,481 --> 00:33:46,021
Are you a sexpot?

1027
00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:46,975
Give me a break,

1028
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:48,065
you're a Jersey housewife

1029
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:49,229
with snot-nosed kids.

1030
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:50,687
A car that won't start.

1031
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:51,647
You tell me about that.

1032
00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:53,196
That's what takes guts,

1033
00:33:53,489 --> 00:33:54,239
and that's what you don't have.

1034
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:55,872
Am I making myself clear?

1035
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:56,989
- I've gotten laughs.

1036
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,695
- [Steven] Fine, then
take them and go home.

1037
00:33:58,995 --> 00:33:59,535
- I want to learn.

1038
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:00,829
- Lady, it takes every night.

1039
00:34:01,122 --> 00:34:02,962
Six clubs a night, all night.

1040
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:04,169
It takes working stag parties,

1041
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,749
and Elks Club banquets

1042
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:06,594
where you open for

1043
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:07,418
a fucking accordion player.

1044
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,342
- I don't have time for all that.

1045
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:09,459
- Well how about right now?

1046
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:10,416
I'm going off to Queens.

1047
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:11,625
You want to come learn something?

1048
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:12,554
You can learn.

1049
00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:13,382
- Are you serious?

1050
00:34:13,676 --> 00:34:14,506
- Yes, I'm serious, are you?

1051
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:15,722
- Uh, Uh...

1052
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:17,552
- I guess not.

1053
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:19,927
- I'm cooking for a dinner party.

1054
00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:23,274
- Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

1055
00:34:28,357 --> 00:34:29,647
- What if it isn't funny?

1056
00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:30,862
You tell me to talk about my life,

1057
00:34:31,152 --> 00:34:32,572
but what if my life isn't funny?

1058
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,242
- All of our lives are funny, babe.

1059
00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,570
We're God's animated cartoons.

1060
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:37,406
What about your husband?

1061
00:34:37,700 --> 00:34:38,490
There's got to be some laughs there.

1062
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,325
- Not mine.

1063
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:40,909
- I bet there is, what does he do?

1064
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:42,504
- Sells insurance.

1065
00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:46,919
- You win, how about your kids?

1066
00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:47,750
- Three girls.

1067
00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:49,174
- Okay, all right, all right.

1068
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:50,422
Big, little, what?

1069
00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:52,383
Nursery school, babysitters maybe?

1070
00:34:52,673 --> 00:34:54,263
- Oh, God, they're gonna need one

1071
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,630
if I'm not home by four.

1072
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,047
- All right, that's funny, go with that.

1073
00:34:57,345 --> 00:34:58,255
- There's nothing funny in that, nothing.

1074
00:34:58,554 --> 00:34:59,104
The maid will leave,

1075
00:34:59,388 --> 00:34:59,928
and then the two little ones

1076
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:00,763
will be there all by themselves.

1077
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:01,597
- You have to think to comedy.

1078
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:02,431
Who's the babysitter?

1079
00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:03,515
- Just this kid that
lives down the street.

1080
00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:04,350
I don't think I brought his number.

1081
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:05,194
- Comedy, comedy, comedy.

1082
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:06,188
What's the babysitter's name?

1083
00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:07,019
- I don't know, it's just this nice kid.

1084
00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:08,153
- Comedy, what's the babysitter's name?

1085
00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:09,819
- Charlie Manson.

1086
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,778
- All right, that's funny.

1087
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:12,608
- That's funny?

1088
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:13,492
- You just wrote a joke, yes.

1089
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:15,358
Yes, Charlie Manson, the babysitter.

1090
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:16,355
Yes, that's funny.

1091
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,946
Keep going with it, go, go, go, go, go.

1092
00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:21,413
- Honey,

1093
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:24,662
he's put X's on their foreheads again.

1094
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:28,745
If he's busy,

1095
00:35:29,043 --> 00:35:30,673
then we use this other nice boy,

1096
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,092
Davie Berkowitz.

1097
00:35:35,883 --> 00:35:37,723
He's so good with dogs.

1098
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:41,263
- Who's Davie Berkowitz?

1099
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:43,676
- You know, Davie Berkowitz,

1100
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,765
Son of Sam, you know, Davie Berkowitz.

1101
00:35:47,061 --> 00:35:48,271
He talks to dogs.

1102
00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:52,484
- Manson is funny, Berkowitz is not.

1103
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:54,725
- Oh.

1104
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:58,237
I thought that was sort of funny.

1105
00:35:58,531 --> 00:35:59,821
- Manson is funny.

1106
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,197
Berkowitz is not.

1107
00:36:03,744 --> 00:36:04,624
- All right.

1108
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,539
(laughter)

1109
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:10,293
- Another game is...

1110
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:13,206
Another game is

1111
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:14,464
Double up on the Medication.

1112
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:15,875
This is, you take the pill,

1113
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,264
and you put it under your tongue,

1114
00:36:17,550 --> 00:36:18,090
and when they come around

1115
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:18,884
to check up on you

1116
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,507
you insist it wasn't in the cup.

1117
00:36:20,803 --> 00:36:21,853
"It wasn't in the cup."

1118
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:23,468
(laughter)

1119
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:25,104
"There was no pill there.

1120
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,061
"Give me my medication.

1121
00:36:27,351 --> 00:36:28,811
"I'm sick, you see?"

1122
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:31,061
Of course, those of you

1123
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:32,145
who are taking suppositories

1124
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:32,980
you might want to pass

1125
00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,404
on that whole thing.

1126
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:35,822
(laughter)

1127
00:36:36,110 --> 00:36:37,940
What, do you have a question?

1128
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:38,777
Your hand has been up

1129
00:36:39,071 --> 00:36:40,661
as long as I've been here.

1130
00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:41,488
This is probably like

1131
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:42,782
a very debilitating illness.

1132
00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:44,075
What is your occupation, Sir?

1133
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:45,118
- I'm a doorman.

1134
00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:46,161
- [Steven] You're a doorman.

1135
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,214
So, like, you hail taxis?

1136
00:36:48,497 --> 00:36:49,867
- That's what I do, yes.

1137
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:50,706
- This is like a good

1138
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,290
training device then, you're fine.

1139
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:54,706
You should get out of this hospital.

1140
00:36:55,004 --> 00:36:55,594
It must be painful

1141
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:56,550
having this IV hooked up.

1142
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:57,919
- [Male patient] No, no, no, not at all.

1143
00:36:58,216 --> 00:36:58,756
- Really, no pain at all?

1144
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:00,430
- No, that's not mine, that's his.

1145
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,008
(laughter)

1146
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:02,893
- Oh, son of a gun,

1147
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:03,799
let me see this thing.

1148
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:04,636
Oh, good God, it is.

1149
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,511
Well, what have we got here?

1150
00:37:05,806 --> 00:37:06,596
Let's see,

1151
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:07,521
you're getting your lunch today.

1152
00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,228
Oh, we have some strawberry Jell-O.

1153
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:10,348
That's nice.

1154
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,975
Oh, is that pasta salad dextrose.

1155
00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:14,272
What's your main course today?

1156
00:37:14,565 --> 00:37:15,225
Oh, liver and onions.

1157
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,824
Oh boy, even in the bloodstream

1158
00:37:17,109 --> 00:37:19,279
that's some pretty nasty stuff.

1159
00:37:19,570 --> 00:37:21,360
Here's a nurse, I'm just guessing.

1160
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:22,856
- You're right.

1161
00:37:23,157 --> 00:37:23,987
- A sponge bath from this woman

1162
00:37:24,283 --> 00:37:25,583
would really be paradise.

1163
00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:27,078
(laughter)

1164
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,000
Oh, look, a doctor here, folks.

1165
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:31,578
Son of a gun, a Jewish doctor.

1166
00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:34,631
Something you don't see very often

1167
00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:36,089
in a New York City hospital.

1168
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,499
You are a doctor, Sir?

1169
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:38,627
- Yes, I'm a doctor.

1170
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,553
- And what is your field of speciality?

1171
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:42,592
- This is my first year,

1172
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:44,215
I don't know yet.

1173
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:45,052
- Could I recommend

1174
00:37:45,346 --> 00:37:48,266
a career in welding, perhaps?

1175
00:37:48,557 --> 00:37:49,847
Just a suggestion.

1176
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:51,983
Oh, you liked that?

1177
00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,650
You liked that one?

1178
00:37:55,314 --> 00:37:56,694
What is your name, Sir?

1179
00:37:56,983 --> 00:37:58,193
- Sam.

1180
00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:00,864
(laughter)

1181
00:38:01,153 --> 00:38:02,323
- You're a happy guy, Sam.

1182
00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:03,323
What are they pumping

1183
00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:05,324
into your nostrils here?

1184
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:06,986
What is this concoction?

1185
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:07,905
You're turning blue, Sam.

1186
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:08,742
Why is that?

1187
00:38:09,036 --> 00:38:09,696
You're turning blue, what's?

1188
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:10,536
Oh, good God,

1189
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:12,250
I'm standing on his air hose.

1190
00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:14,290
(laughter)

1191
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:15,213
I'm sorry.

1192
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:17,837
Oh, you're running out of air,

1193
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:18,919
and so am I.

1194
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,171
Folks, you have been a great audience,

1195
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:25,466
really, you've been a good audience.

1196
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:28,511
You've been a sick audience, folks,

1197
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,516
but thank you very much, everybody.

1198
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:32,808
Get well, get well, everybody.

1199
00:38:33,102 --> 00:38:35,152
(applause)

1200
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:51,202
- [Female] You were really good.

1201
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:52,405
- Thank you, that's very nice of you.

1202
00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:53,325
Seriously.

1203
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:54,542
- [Female] You were terrific.

1204
00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:55,372
- Oh, thank you,

1205
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:56,246
that's very nice of you.

1206
00:38:56,542 --> 00:38:58,082
- [Female] Thank you.

1207
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,929
- What about last week, what was it?

1208
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:15,976
- I think it was 80,000.

1209
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:20,690
45,000.

1210
00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:21,613
- 45?

1211
00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:24,236
I see.

1212
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:27,784
Well, that's good.

1213
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:05,532
- Taxi! Oh, God!

1214
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:07,030
Taxi, taxi, taxi!

1215
00:40:09,448 --> 00:40:11,618
Oh, wait, wait, oh, my God.

1216
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:17,370
Taxi!

1217
00:40:18,499 --> 00:40:20,249
Okay, stop right here.

1218
00:40:21,335 --> 00:40:23,995
(dramatic music)

1219
00:40:32,221 --> 00:40:32,971
Hello!

1220
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:44,524
Hello?

1221
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:52,116
I'm home, I'm home!

1222
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:54,618
Don't come near me, I'm home!

1223
00:40:57,288 --> 00:40:58,458
- Mom, what are you doing?

1224
00:40:58,747 --> 00:40:59,287
- Where are you going?

1225
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,122
- What's the matter?

1226
00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:00,956
- I love you, I love you.

1227
00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:02,630
Stay out of my way.

1228
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:06,299
Where's Jenny?

1229
00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:07,129
- At the movies.

1230
00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:09,593
- At the movies, at the movies.

1231
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:10,844
All right, that's it.

1232
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:11,675
She's grounded.

1233
00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:15,139
If I ever see her again, she's grounded.

1234
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:16,641
I want the two of you to go,

1235
00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:19,602
and put your nice dresses on.

1236
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:22,734
All right, okay, what are you doing?

1237
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:24,312
Go, put your nice dresses on.

1238
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:26,397
Go on, now, put them on!

1239
00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:33,985
- [Heidi] Help me!

1240
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:35,743
- She said, hurry, come on.

1241
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:37,575
- Where are my shoes?

1242
00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:46,421
Oh, my God, oh, my God.

1243
00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:47,422
Oh, my God.

1244
00:41:48,547 --> 00:41:50,547
- I can't find my tights.

1245
00:41:52,801 --> 00:41:53,801
- Oh, my God!

1246
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:55,887
Girls, girls,

1247
00:41:57,139 --> 00:41:59,969
come on, come on, let's go.

1248
00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:01,557
- [Carrie] Why are we running?

1249
00:42:01,852 --> 00:42:03,482
- I can't button this dress.

1250
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:04,481
Mom,

1251
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:05,942
mom, help me!

1252
00:42:06,232 --> 00:42:06,772
- You are just gonna have to

1253
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:08,186
help each other.

1254
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:12,281
Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus,

1255
00:42:13,447 --> 00:42:14,197
oh, Jesus.

1256
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:24,424
Out of my way, out of my way,

1257
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:25,668
out of my way.

1258
00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:01,664
Heidi, go long.

1259
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:04,455
Heads up.

1260
00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:06,618
Bread basket, pantry, pantry.

1261
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:07,537
Carry.

1262
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:08,585
- Yeah?

1263
00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:09,417
- No, Carrie, come here.

1264
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:12,172
Help me carry, take the big platter.

1265
00:43:12,464 --> 00:43:15,344
There you are, somebody man the peas.

1266
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:22,927
Heidi, the peas.

1267
00:43:23,225 --> 00:43:24,845
Carrie, napkins, one on each plate.

1268
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:25,854
Here we go.

1269
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:33,355
Heidi, break the bread.

1270
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,070
Carrie, light a match.

1271
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:39,701
Spoons, centerpiece, centerpiece.

1272
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:41,622
Light that match.

1273
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:42,540
All right.

1274
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:50,338
Living room!

1275
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:53,252
Living room, living room.

1276
00:43:53,547 --> 00:43:54,707
Carrie, get your things off the planter.

1277
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:55,967
- What should I do with it?

1278
00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:57,128
- [Lilah] Get rid of them.

1279
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:59,046
- Here, get rid of it.

1280
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:02,058
What happened to the fish tank?

1281
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:03,388
- [Lilah] Don't say that again.

1282
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:05,062
- The water went down.

1283
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,561
- I told you not to say that.

1284
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:20,156
Kids.

1285
00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:25,039
- Lilah.

1286
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,119
- Yes, dear?

1287
00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:28,918
- My family.

1288
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:30,878
- Good evening.

1289
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,588
- The black goldfish is missing.

1290
00:44:36,715 --> 00:44:38,965
(whistling)

1291
00:44:50,479 --> 00:44:53,439
- Yes, yes, I'm still holding.

1292
00:44:53,732 --> 00:44:54,362
Well, why don't you just

1293
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:55,360
put me through to her?

1294
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:56,531
I don't un...

1295
00:44:58,445 --> 00:44:59,695
What restaurant?

1296
00:45:02,282 --> 00:45:03,242
She told me herself that

1297
00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:04,954
she was bringing a gentleman down to

1298
00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:07,044
the club to see me.

1299
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,289
The club, the Gas Station.

1300
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,134
All right.

1301
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:15,289
Would you give her that message,

1302
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,217
and have her please call me down here?

1303
00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:21,968
The Gas Station, thank you.

1304
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,511
Phone is free.

1305
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,014
(soft music)

1306
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:34,941
- Were you born in New Jersey,

1307
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:36,232
Reverend Young?

1308
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:38,109
- Yes.

1309
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:43,570
- So was I.

1310
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,905
- So was I, we both were.

1311
00:45:47,202 --> 00:45:47,792
- Together.

1312
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:50,118
- We weren't born together.

1313
00:45:54,376 --> 00:45:55,496
- [John] Care for some more wine?

1314
00:45:55,794 --> 00:45:56,384
- Yes.

1315
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:03,304
- [Heidi] I got a new joke, Mom.

1316
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:04,644
- You do, baby?

1317
00:46:06,972 --> 00:46:09,722
- [Heidi] I think it's grown-up enough.

1318
00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,427
- I'm sure it is, sweetheart.

1319
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:14,057
- She loves to tell jokes.

1320
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:16,314
- Coral told it to me.

1321
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:17,567
- [Lilah] Did she, dear?

1322
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,068
- Tell it, Heidi.

1323
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:24,157
- What did one cocksucker

1324
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:25,658
say to the other?

1325
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:29,122
- [Male] Go home!

1326
00:46:29,411 --> 00:46:32,581
- So, Betsy Ross says, I have 13 stars.

1327
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:33,663
Would you listen to this?

1328
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:35,917
This is funny, my class loves this.

1329
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:36,790
- Do you have any idea where she

1330
00:46:37,085 --> 00:46:38,035
is tonight, by any chance?

1331
00:46:38,337 --> 00:46:39,207
Is this her service?

1332
00:46:39,505 --> 00:46:40,295
Do you happen to know?

1333
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:41,419
Did she have plans on coming down

1334
00:46:41,715 --> 00:46:43,125
to the Gas Station tonight?

1335
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:45,795
- Who you got coming, an agent?

1336
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:47,932
- Okay, no, never...

1337
00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:49,892
Just tell her that Steven Gold called,

1338
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:51,272
and that I'm still expecting her,

1339
00:46:51,558 --> 00:46:52,098
and the gentleman

1340
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:54,102
at the club, thank you.

1341
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:56,274
- Steven, if you have

1342
00:46:56,563 --> 00:46:57,483
a talent scout coming,

1343
00:46:57,773 --> 00:46:58,523
you're supposed to tell.

1344
00:46:58,816 --> 00:46:59,356
- I don't have

1345
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:00,190
a talent scout coming, Albert.

1346
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:02,324
- Really, who tried to call?

1347
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:03,951
- Did somebody try to call me?

1348
00:47:04,238 --> 00:47:05,318
- That's what I heard.

1349
00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:06,414
- Hey, hey, hey,

1350
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:07,908
did I have a call?

1351
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:08,740
- [Ernie] Yeah.

1352
00:47:09,034 --> 00:47:09,584
- Well, why didn't you tell me?

1353
00:47:09,868 --> 00:47:11,078
- I couldn't find you.

1354
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:12,870
- Who was it, what did you say?

1355
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:14,123
- I don't know.

1356
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:15,214
He wanted to know what nights

1357
00:47:15,499 --> 00:47:16,039
you perform here,

1358
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:17,003
and what time you go on.

1359
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:18,422
- So it is a talent scout.

1360
00:47:18,710 --> 00:47:19,250
- Okay, all right,

1361
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:20,245
now he's coming down.

1362
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:21,086
What did you tell him?

1363
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:21,920
- I told him you're here every night,

1364
00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:23,464
and if he wants to know what time,

1365
00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:25,257
to call back.

1366
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:27,011
- He said he was gonna call back?

1367
00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:28,182
- He said, "Thank you."

1368
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:29,010
- [Steven] But he said he's coming?

1369
00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:29,854
- I don't know.

1370
00:47:30,138 --> 00:47:30,678
- Why don't you write these things down?

1371
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:33,223
- [Ernie] Hey, why don't you take a hike?

1372
00:47:33,517 --> 00:47:34,097
- Who is it?

1373
00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:35,273
Just tell me who it is,

1374
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:36,641
and I'll watch for him.

1375
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:38,307
- Could you give me a second?

1376
00:47:38,605 --> 00:47:39,145
Listen, if you listen

1377
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:41,109
it's gonna be real funny, okay?

1378
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:41,940
Now, George Washington

1379
00:47:42,234 --> 00:47:43,904
gets off his white horse and says...

1380
00:47:44,194 --> 00:47:46,904
- [Male] George Washington sucks.

1381
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:48,277
- You, Sir, do you have

1382
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:51,034
any naked pictures of your wife?

1383
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,672
Only kidding, only kidding.

1384
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:58,788
- [John] No more than anyone else

1385
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,004
who has a family.

1386
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:01,044
- [Lilah] Uh-huh, what
do you mean by that?

1387
00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:01,876
- [John] What do I mean by that?

1388
00:48:02,170 --> 00:48:03,210
- [Lilah] What is it that do you want?

1389
00:48:03,505 --> 00:48:04,415
- [John] Just a family I can be proud of.

1390
00:48:04,715 --> 00:48:05,255
- A family you could be

1391
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,259
proud of, uh-huh, like who?

1392
00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:09,221
And don't tell me Bunny and Jerry.

1393
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:10,301
- Bunny and Jerry.

1394
00:48:10,596 --> 00:48:11,676
- Fuck Bunny and Jerry.

1395
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:12,562
- Why do you have to use

1396
00:48:12,848 --> 00:48:13,428
language like that?

1397
00:48:13,724 --> 00:48:15,564
Don't use language like that.

1398
00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:16,391
No wonder your daughters

1399
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:17,685
talk like toilets.

1400
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:18,728
- [Lilah] Talk like toilets, John?

1401
00:48:19,021 --> 00:48:19,561
- [John] Come on, Lilah,

1402
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:20,475
you know what I'm talking about.

1403
00:48:20,772 --> 00:48:21,612
- [Lilah] What do you want?

1404
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,069
- [John] Just be a mother.

1405
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:24,148
- [Lilah] I am a mother.

1406
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:25,153
- [John] Not by my definition.

1407
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:26,744
- [Lilah] Well, I am by my definition.

1408
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:27,899
- A mother is some who stays

1409
00:48:28,196 --> 00:48:29,236
with her children at night.

1410
00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:30,661
- [Lilah] Unless she works.

1411
00:48:30,949 --> 00:48:31,779
- [John] Unless she gets paid to work.

1412
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,575
- Unless she's lucky enough to get paid.

1413
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:34,539
- Unless she's good enough to get paid.

1414
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:35,658
- [Lilah] I am good enough.

1415
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:36,504
- No, you're not, Lilah.

1416
00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:37,828
You're not funny.

1417
00:48:38,123 --> 00:48:39,963
- You say that to me one more time,

1418
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,630
and I'm going to leave this house.

1419
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:42,879
- You can't stand the truth.

1420
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:44,130
- [Lilah] All right, I'm out of here.

1421
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:45,631
- I didn't say it.

1422
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:46,463
- [Lilah] I'm out of here.

1423
00:48:46,757 --> 00:48:47,717
- [John] All right, I will say it.

1424
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:48,968
The woman living in this house

1425
00:48:49,259 --> 00:48:50,049
is not funny.

1426
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:51,304
That woman, there in the dark,

1427
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,045
is not funny.

1428
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:53,887
- [Lilah] I'm out of here!

1429
00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:55,561
- No one laughs at that woman!

1430
00:48:55,849 --> 00:48:57,639
That woman is not funny!

1431
00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:01,185
(upbeat music)

1432
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:31,803
(applause)

1433
00:49:56,660 --> 00:49:57,330
- Steven.

1434
00:49:57,619 --> 00:49:58,159
- [Steven] I broke your deal.

1435
00:49:58,453 --> 00:50:00,833
Sorry, I'll have to pay for it.

1436
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:04,254
- What's the matter with you?

1437
00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:05,173
- Nothing.

1438
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:07,957
- There are some people

1439
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,005
upstairs asking for you.

1440
00:50:09,297 --> 00:50:12,257
They want to know what time you go on.

1441
00:50:14,511 --> 00:50:15,341
They look like heavyweights.

1442
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:16,597
Who are they?

1443
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:18,808
- Jesus, she came through for me.

1444
00:50:19,099 --> 00:50:20,269
- Who came through for you?

1445
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:21,429
Who are they?

1446
00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:22,727
- [Steven] Romeo, they're network people.

1447
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:24,190
- Network people?

1448
00:50:24,479 --> 00:50:25,019
- You got to give me another

1449
00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:25,863
20-minute set tonight.

1450
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:26,938
Give me another 20-minute set

1451
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:27,822
tonight, all right?

1452
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:28,648
- Listen, I want you to calm down.

1453
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:29,482
- [Steven] Will you give me

1454
00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:30,316
another 20-minute set tonight?

1455
00:50:30,610 --> 00:50:31,150
- I want to have a nice talk with you.

1456
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:31,985
- Later, later, later, later.

1457
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:32,819
- Now listen.

1458
00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:33,653
- Oh, Leave me alone for a minute.

1459
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:34,947
- That's the whole point.

1460
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:36,820
You don't have to be alone.

1461
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:37,777
Even a prize-fighter

1462
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,866
has someone in his corner.

1463
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,202
Come on now, I know these people.

1464
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:42,997
- [Steven] Uh-huh.

1465
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,370
- Use me, I mean, I can handle them.

1466
00:50:44,666 --> 00:50:45,166
Let me entertain them

1467
00:50:45,459 --> 00:50:46,079
after the show tonight.

1468
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:46,956
They're only going to come

1469
00:50:47,252 --> 00:50:48,342
in here once, right?

1470
00:50:48,628 --> 00:50:51,168
Let me help you make tonight count.

1471
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:52,085
- Okay.

1472
00:50:54,009 --> 00:50:54,719
- Okay?

1473
00:50:55,010 --> 00:50:56,180
- I said okay.

1474
00:50:56,470 --> 00:50:57,010
- [Romeo] We're talking agent now?

1475
00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:57,854
- You're my agent.

1476
00:50:58,138 --> 00:50:58,678
- Permanent agent?

1477
00:50:58,972 --> 00:50:59,512
- Whatever you want.

1478
00:50:59,806 --> 00:51:00,346
- [Romeo] We're talking
about getting it in writing.

1479
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:01,310
- We'll get it in writing.

1480
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:02,140
Just when can I go on?

1481
00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:03,564
- How about now?

1482
00:51:11,276 --> 00:51:13,986
Just take it easy and relax, relax.

1483
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:14,819
- All right.

1484
00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:16,033
- Steven?

1485
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:16,863
Steven?

1486
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,067
- Oh, look, don't bother me, all right?

1487
00:51:18,366 --> 00:51:19,276
- Don't bother him, don't bother him.

1488
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:20,486
- How's the house?

1489
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:21,946
- Very good, hot, hot.

1490
00:51:22,245 --> 00:51:22,825
- Good crowd, good crowd.

1491
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:23,871
- A sensational crowd.

1492
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:25,004
- Okay.

1493
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,460
- Just relax, you ready?

1494
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:27,290
- Are you gonna point him out to me?

1495
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:28,134
- Yes, I'll point him out to you.

1496
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:28,958
He's down in the front.

1497
00:51:29,252 --> 00:51:31,052
I want you to take a deep breath, right?

1498
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:31,958
- You gonna get Albert off of there?

1499
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:33,665
- He's almost finished.

1500
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:34,665
I can see he's almost finished.

1501
00:51:34,966 --> 00:51:36,006
- [Albert] Blew up a sporting goods store,

1502
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:37,551
and you wanted dust?

1503
00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:40,434
And I said, "Yeah, give me the Pledge."

1504
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:41,262
- Where are they?

1505
00:51:41,556 --> 00:51:43,016
- Third table, left.

1506
00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:45,058
Gray hair, kill them.

1507
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:47,022
(applause)

1508
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:48,312
- [Albert] Anyway, you guys have been

1509
00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:49,145
a nice audience.

1510
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:50,229
Somebody wants to come up here.

1511
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:51,404
Please see my new movie.

1512
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:53,941
It's called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.

1513
00:51:54,236 --> 00:51:55,776
- Shit, Romeo, Romeo!

1514
00:51:57,697 --> 00:51:58,947
- Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.

1515
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,321
Albert Emperato.

1516
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:03,287
(applause)

1517
00:52:03,578 --> 00:52:04,748
Listen, I'd like to settle down,

1518
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:05,868
and get serious for a moment

1519
00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:06,964
because I want to introduce you

1520
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:09,289
to someone that I've had the privilege

1521
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:10,424
of nurturing along

1522
00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:12,750
on the road to stardom.

1523
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:13,586
You know, I've been

1524
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:14,960
in this business a long time.

1525
00:52:15,257 --> 00:52:17,297
I've seen comics come and go,

1526
00:52:17,592 --> 00:52:18,512
and, sometimes, you see somebody

1527
00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:20,262
goes right to the top,

1528
00:52:20,554 --> 00:52:21,764
and you know they're gonna stay there.

1529
00:52:22,055 --> 00:52:25,015
This young gentleman is not unlike that.

1530
00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:25,928
I've had him on this stage

1531
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:27,176
month after month

1532
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:29,017
because I knew one day

1533
00:52:29,312 --> 00:52:31,312
his star was gonna shine.

1534
00:52:31,606 --> 00:52:32,356
There's very little else

1535
00:52:32,649 --> 00:52:35,479
I can say about him except that

1536
00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:37,487
he's like a son to me.

1537
00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:38,949
Come on, let's have a nice warm welcome

1538
00:52:39,239 --> 00:52:40,239
for Steven Gold,

1539
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:41,412
the comedy of Steven Gold,

1540
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:42,620
ladies and gentlemen.

1541
00:52:42,909 --> 00:52:44,949
Come on up here, Steven.

1542
00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:45,945
Come on Steven.

1543
00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:46,786
He wants to be coaxed,

1544
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:48,580
he wants to be coaxed, come on.

1545
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:50,674
Steven, come on up here.

1546
00:52:51,626 --> 00:52:52,916
Come on.

1547
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:53,921
He's a little shy.

1548
00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:55,382
Let's give him a big hand, come on.

1549
00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:57,802
Steven Gold, come on Steven.

1550
00:52:59,676 --> 00:53:02,256
That a boy, Steven, right there.

1551
00:53:12,564 --> 00:53:13,814
- Good evening.

1552
00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:16,397
- [Female] Good evening, yeah.

1553
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,238
- Uh, my name is, uh.

1554
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:22,320
Well, you know who I am.

1555
00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:24,909
Wow.

1556
00:53:30,165 --> 00:53:31,915
Anyone here from?

1557
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:34,499
Don't you hate it when comics do that?

1558
00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:35,424
It means they don't know

1559
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:36,922
what else to say.

1560
00:53:39,507 --> 00:53:41,587
Anyone from out of town?

1561
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,385
Here you go, okay.

1562
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:44,388
Yeah, yeah.

1563
00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:47,057
You, Sir, where are you from?

1564
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:49,639
- [Male] Green Bay, Wisconsin.

1565
00:53:50,685 --> 00:53:53,515
- There's nothing funny about that.

1566
00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,020
What are you doing while

1567
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,266
you're here in town?

1568
00:53:57,567 --> 00:53:58,977
Are you having fun?

1569
00:53:59,277 --> 00:53:59,937
- Until now.

1570
00:54:00,237 --> 00:54:02,277
(laughter)

1571
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:04,410
- That's funny.

1572
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:06,239
This guy's all right.

1573
00:54:08,245 --> 00:54:09,825
Is that your wife with you, Sir?

1574
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,581
- [Male] My daughter.

1575
00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,333
- Whoa, that's not gonna work, huh?

1576
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:14,115
I was going to ask if you had

1577
00:54:14,417 --> 00:54:15,877
any naked pictures of her.

1578
00:54:16,169 --> 00:54:16,709
That won't work now, will it?

1579
00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:18,803
- [Male] No, that's not gonna work.

1580
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:20,709
- No, that won't work.

1581
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,813
I have some people in the audience.

1582
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:35,102
I'm not gonna kid around

1583
00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:36,267
with you people.

1584
00:54:36,564 --> 00:54:38,194
This is a heavy night.

1585
00:54:39,234 --> 00:54:41,034
This is a real heavy night.

1586
00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:41,859
I thought I was gonna get

1587
00:54:42,153 --> 00:54:43,533
discovered tonight,

1588
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,485
and that is exactly what happened.

1589
00:54:48,785 --> 00:54:49,405
I did.

1590
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,457
That was a private joke.

1591
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:04,755
Private joke, and I'm a comedian,

1592
00:55:05,051 --> 00:55:07,261
so I'll go public with these,

1593
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:09,506
with the jokes.

1594
00:55:11,182 --> 00:55:12,932
My father is a doctor.

1595
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:17,064
When I was a student

1596
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:18,685
I was a really bad student,

1597
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:21,192
but that didn't stop my dad,

1598
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:24,034
doctor pulling a lot of strings

1599
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,651
to get me into med school

1600
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,357
even though it didn't seem

1601
00:55:27,657 --> 00:55:28,407
to matter to anybody that

1602
00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:29,240
I couldn't even stand

1603
00:55:29,534 --> 00:55:30,534
the sight of blood.

1604
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:31,367
As a matter of fact,

1605
00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:32,201
I once got yelled at pretty bad

1606
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:33,825
because during a fishing trip

1607
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:34,712
I wouldn't take the hook,

1608
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,038
and put it through a minnow

1609
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,134
because I didn't want to give it

1610
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:39,708
cerebral contusions.

1611
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:41,053
I didn't want to give it

1612
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:43,458
optical poptitude, you know.

1613
00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:45,924
You know what optical poptitude is?

1614
00:55:46,217 --> 00:55:48,177
It's bulging eyeballs, so.

1615
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,259
There's something funny in here.

1616
00:55:50,555 --> 00:55:53,595
I'm gonna find something funny in here.

1617
00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:58,399
I don't really know

1618
00:55:58,688 --> 00:55:59,228
what's funny anymore,

1619
00:55:59,522 --> 00:56:00,062
so if you people could help me out.

1620
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:01,017
Just laugh any time

1621
00:56:01,316 --> 00:56:03,816
that you feel anything funny

1622
00:56:04,110 --> 00:56:04,900
just feel...

1623
00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:18,789
Let me tell you about medical school.

1624
00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:22,039
You can't make the mistake

1625
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:24,133
of letting them know that

1626
00:56:24,422 --> 00:56:25,212
you're squeamish about some things

1627
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:26,627
because, man, they smell it on you.

1628
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,175
They smell it on you in medical school.

1629
00:56:28,468 --> 00:56:29,008
I once made the mistake

1630
00:56:29,302 --> 00:56:30,142
of telling this female lab partner

1631
00:56:30,428 --> 00:56:32,508
of mine that I couldn't stand

1632
00:56:32,806 --> 00:56:33,756
to see things suffer

1633
00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:35,217
like little frogs

1634
00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:37,307
that we have to dissect.

1635
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:42,984
And she took this

1636
00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:44,897
thing it's called a probe.

1637
00:56:45,193 --> 00:56:45,733
It's like this prong thing,

1638
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:47,237
and she plucked out this frog's eye,

1639
00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:48,109
and she flicked it at me,

1640
00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,195
and it stuck on my neck.

1641
00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:55,703
I think that's pretty funny.

1642
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,542
See, my dad is this big macho guy,

1643
00:57:03,837 --> 00:57:04,957
and he shoots deer and shit like that.

1644
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:06,915
I'm this kid who can't stand

1645
00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:08,255
the sight of blood.

1646
00:57:08,550 --> 00:57:09,260
You know, they used to have

1647
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:10,131
deer in Chicago until

1648
00:57:10,427 --> 00:57:11,507
my brother and father

1649
00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:12,513
gunned them all down.

1650
00:57:12,804 --> 00:57:14,014
They killed them all.

1651
00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:14,845
These are the guys

1652
00:57:15,140 --> 00:57:16,850
who killed Bambi's mom.

1653
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:20,476
Wait a minute.

1654
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:23,310
I didn't tell you about the dead cat.

1655
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:25,106
I haven't told you about the dead cat.

1656
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:26,440
My fucking roommates

1657
00:57:26,734 --> 00:57:27,404
they would put this dead cat

1658
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,704
in my bed all the time.

1659
00:57:29,988 --> 00:57:31,108
Someone help me.

1660
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:33,157
Christ!

1661
00:57:35,243 --> 00:57:36,203
- Come here.

1662
00:57:36,494 --> 00:57:38,874
(upbeat music)

1663
00:57:44,961 --> 00:57:46,631
- Check it out, baby.

1664
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:52,179
- Leave me alone,

1665
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:53,009
all right, Lilah, just go.

1666
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:53,933
Go home.

1667
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:58,141
Just leave me the fuck alone, Lilah.

1668
00:58:07,525 --> 00:58:09,685
- [Lilah] You're all right.

1669
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,067
You're all right.

1670
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,490
You're all right, Steven.

1671
00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,950
(jazz music)

1672
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:36,053
- So my brother would be down

1673
00:58:36,346 --> 00:58:37,506
in the library studying,

1674
00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:40,595
and I would be upstairs in the attic

1675
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,852
covering myself in tin foil,

1676
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,356
from head to toe.

1677
00:58:48,733 --> 00:58:52,403
Making up these superheroes of my own,

1678
00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:54,395
you know, Tin Foil Man.

1679
00:58:56,407 --> 00:58:58,157
Shingle Kid, you know.

1680
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,826
Stuff to make my friends laugh,

1681
00:59:02,121 --> 00:59:03,581
but at home, I was,

1682
00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:06,541
no, I was never funny.

1683
00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,634
- I used to make everybody laugh.

1684
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,047
Even my husband.

1685
00:59:18,805 --> 00:59:21,005
God, we used to laugh.

1686
00:59:21,307 --> 00:59:21,927
- So?

1687
00:59:23,184 --> 00:59:24,274
What happened?

1688
00:59:26,312 --> 00:59:27,482
- I don't know.

1689
00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:30,728
The kids or his job.

1690
00:59:31,859 --> 00:59:32,609
Me.

1691
00:59:34,153 --> 00:59:35,153
I don't know.

1692
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:42,624
- [Steven] So why don't you leave him?

1693
00:59:43,913 --> 00:59:46,673
- I've got carpool in the morning.

1694
00:59:48,876 --> 00:59:50,496
- He sounds like a prick.

1695
00:59:50,795 --> 00:59:51,335
- Look, he works all day,

1696
00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:52,169
and then he comes home,

1697
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:54,883
and takes care of the kids all night.

1698
00:59:55,174 --> 00:59:57,014
- He sounds like a saint.

1699
00:59:58,428 --> 00:59:59,758
- He's not wrong.

1700
01:00:02,056 --> 01:00:03,056
I don't know.

1701
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:08,185
Maybe I should quit, I don't know.

1702
01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:09,439
- What, quit stand-up?

1703
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:11,321
No, no, no, no, you can't do that.

1704
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:12,188
- Why not?

1705
01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:15,565
- Because you're funny.

1706
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:19,534
I mean, you don't know how to

1707
01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:20,454
get to it yet,

1708
01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:21,452
you haven't figured that out,

1709
01:00:21,743 --> 01:00:22,953
but you're funny.

1710
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:25,619
- Look, don't kid me

1711
01:00:25,913 --> 01:00:27,543
about this, all right?

1712
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:30,666
- I'll say anything to a woman,

1713
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,090
and not mean it.

1714
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:34,626
I'll say I love her.

1715
01:00:34,922 --> 01:00:36,172
I'll say she's beautiful.

1716
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:37,916
I'll say she's sexy.

1717
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:41,760
I don't mess around with funny.

1718
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,563
- Oh yeah, this is great.

1719
01:00:48,853 --> 01:00:50,273
Oh yeah, this is really great, you know.

1720
01:00:50,563 --> 01:00:51,103
- What?

1721
01:00:51,397 --> 01:00:51,977
- [Lilah] Wonderful, just wonderful.

1722
01:00:52,273 --> 01:00:52,813
- What?

1723
01:00:53,107 --> 01:00:54,607
- Look, I'm a married woman.

1724
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:55,441
- [Steven] So?

1725
01:00:55,735 --> 01:00:56,355
- I'm 10 years older than you,

1726
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,153
I got to go.

1727
01:00:57,445 --> 01:00:58,025
- So, wait, Lilah.

1728
01:00:58,321 --> 01:00:58,861
- [Lilah] I got to go.

1729
01:00:59,155 --> 01:01:01,865
- Lilah, look, come on, be Italian.

1730
01:01:03,868 --> 01:01:05,618
- What does that mean?

1731
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:09,208
- I was hoping you would know.

1732
01:01:12,001 --> 01:01:12,671
Look.

1733
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:15,090
- I got to go, I really got to go.

1734
01:01:15,380 --> 01:01:16,550
- Look, you're in trouble already,

1735
01:01:16,839 --> 01:01:19,299
so hang out with me tonight.

1736
01:01:19,592 --> 01:01:20,432
I'll teach you something

1737
01:01:20,718 --> 01:01:22,008
about being funny.

1738
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:24,465
Yes, you can.

1739
01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:25,314
- Honestly, I can't.

1740
01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:26,138
- Look, you just want to

1741
01:01:26,432 --> 01:01:26,972
talk to the crowd.

1742
01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:27,806
Can you pull over here please, thank you.

1743
01:01:28,101 --> 01:01:28,641
- I need my jokes.

1744
01:01:28,935 --> 01:01:29,475
I can't get up there without my jokes.

1745
01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:30,309
- You talk to the crowd.

1746
01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:31,143
You talk to the crowd.

1747
01:01:31,437 --> 01:01:32,517
They talk to them they talk to you.

1748
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:33,614
That's how you develop material.

1749
01:01:33,898 --> 01:01:34,478
- Steven, listen to me Steven.

1750
01:01:34,774 --> 01:01:35,324
- Come on, come on.

1751
01:01:35,608 --> 01:01:36,148
You got to learn now, come on.

1752
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:36,982
- I just simply can't do it.

1753
01:01:37,276 --> 01:01:37,816
Its' just something.

1754
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:38,651
- [Steven] Come on!

1755
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,525
- All right, God Almighty!

1756
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:41,572
You don't have to yell at me.

1757
01:01:41,864 --> 01:01:43,324
Steven, I have nothing to say.

1758
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,866
- Yes, you do, the subway.

1759
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:46,700
- What subway?

1760
01:01:46,994 --> 01:01:47,954
- Remember the subway.

1761
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:48,906
- I don't remember the subway.

1762
01:01:49,205 --> 01:01:49,745
I don't even know what

1763
01:01:50,039 --> 01:01:50,579
a subway looks like.

1764
01:01:50,873 --> 01:01:51,423
- [Steven] I'll remind you.

1765
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:52,248
- Steven

1766
01:01:52,542 --> 01:01:53,172
Hi,

1767
01:01:54,168 --> 01:01:54,918
I'm Lilah,

1768
01:01:56,337 --> 01:01:58,917
and I don't know what I'm doing.

1769
01:02:00,883 --> 01:02:01,683
I'm not allowed to use

1770
01:02:01,968 --> 01:02:03,258
my jokes tonight,

1771
01:02:05,930 --> 01:02:08,680
so I'll tell you I'm a housewife.

1772
01:02:08,975 --> 01:02:09,845
I'll admit to that,

1773
01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:11,773
and I have three kids,

1774
01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:15,062
and I live in New Jersey.

1775
01:02:16,524 --> 01:02:18,574
So, you see, I'll admit to anything.

1776
01:02:18,860 --> 01:02:19,940
- Where are your kids?

1777
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:20,776
- What?

1778
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:22,200
- [Steven] Where are your kids?

1779
01:02:22,488 --> 01:02:23,488
- Home.

1780
01:02:23,781 --> 01:02:24,571
- Who's looking after them?

1781
01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:26,066
- My husband.

1782
01:02:26,367 --> 01:02:29,367
- What if your husband's not available?

1783
01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:31,542
Do you have a babysitter?

1784
01:02:32,623 --> 01:02:33,963
- Charles Manson.

1785
01:02:34,250 --> 01:02:36,500
(laughter)

1786
01:02:36,794 --> 01:02:38,004
And then if he's busy you use

1787
01:02:38,296 --> 01:02:40,046
that other nice boy down the street

1788
01:02:40,339 --> 01:02:41,509
that Davie Berkowitz.

1789
01:02:41,799 --> 01:02:43,759
He's so good with the dog.

1790
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:50,348
All right, it's not funny.

1791
01:02:50,641 --> 01:02:52,181
Okay, so shoot me.

1792
01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:54,767
All right, I'm just gonna grab the...

1793
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:56,192
All right.

1794
01:02:56,481 --> 01:02:58,321
This man over here is laughing.

1795
01:02:58,608 --> 01:02:59,648
What is your name, Sir?

1796
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:00,982
- Bob.

1797
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:03,107
- Bob, and what do you do?

1798
01:03:03,404 --> 01:03:05,614
- I'm a marketing consultant.

1799
01:03:06,824 --> 01:03:08,664
- Marketing consultant.

1800
01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:12,039
You're a marketing consultant?

1801
01:03:12,330 --> 01:03:13,960
Bob, could I consult with you

1802
01:03:14,248 --> 01:03:15,288
for one minute?

1803
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:19,208
Whenever I get a cart,

1804
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:22,304
why is it that one wheel always goes

1805
01:03:23,758 --> 01:03:25,548
like this, and it pulls to the right,

1806
01:03:25,843 --> 01:03:26,893
right into the canned goods?

1807
01:03:27,178 --> 01:03:27,968
I mean, I've wondered about it,

1808
01:03:28,262 --> 01:03:28,972
haven't you?

1809
01:03:29,263 --> 01:03:30,013
This lady is laughing here.

1810
01:03:30,306 --> 01:03:32,886
You have a problem with produce,

1811
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:33,814
don't you?

1812
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,101
I think you must, you have your hand

1813
01:03:36,395 --> 01:03:38,895
in that gentleman's lap, I think.

1814
01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:42,649
(applause)

1815
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,237
So, tonight it's gonna be career night

1816
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:47,991
because everybody's life is funny.

1817
01:03:48,282 --> 01:03:49,242
Trust me on this.

1818
01:03:49,534 --> 01:03:50,954
We are all God's little

1819
01:03:51,244 --> 01:03:52,624
animated cartoons.

1820
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:54,042
This gentleman right here.

1821
01:03:54,330 --> 01:03:55,660
Sir, what's your name?

1822
01:03:55,957 --> 01:03:56,497
- Murray.

1823
01:03:56,791 --> 01:03:57,331
- Murray, trust me on this

1824
01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:58,455
When your life is funny, Murray.

1825
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:00,131
What do you do for a living?

1826
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:01,169
- [Murray] I'm an insurance salesman.

1827
01:04:01,462 --> 01:04:04,052
- You're an insurance salesman?

1828
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:07,260
Did you ever want to be anything else?

1829
01:04:07,552 --> 01:04:08,512
Come on, think back, think back with me.

1830
01:04:08,803 --> 01:04:09,763
You're four, you're two, you're three,

1831
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:10,854
you're a small child.

1832
01:04:11,138 --> 01:04:12,058
You're dressing up, it's Halloween.

1833
01:04:12,348 --> 01:04:12,888
You know, all the other boys,

1834
01:04:13,182 --> 01:04:14,812
they're firemen, they're policemen,

1835
01:04:15,101 --> 01:04:16,481
they're Zorro, they're Batman,

1836
01:04:16,769 --> 01:04:17,939
and cute little Murray,

1837
01:04:18,229 --> 01:04:20,439
whose mother adores him is a?

1838
01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:23,983
- [Murray] An insurance salesman.

1839
01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:25,187
- An insurance salesman?

1840
01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:27,276
Murray, this can't be true.

1841
01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:28,112
What, you dressed up

1842
01:04:28,406 --> 01:04:29,026
in a polyester suit,

1843
01:04:29,323 --> 01:04:29,913
and handed out cards

1844
01:04:30,199 --> 01:04:31,739
with your name on it?

1845
01:04:34,453 --> 01:04:37,373
This is a bachelorette party?

1846
01:04:37,665 --> 01:04:39,415
So, could I see what you've got here?

1847
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:40,329
Come on.

1848
01:04:43,045 --> 01:04:43,795
I know you must have

1849
01:04:44,088 --> 01:04:44,628
an appliance or two.

1850
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:45,882
It's a shower for goodness sake.

1851
01:04:46,173 --> 01:04:48,223
You see, this is what I was asking for.

1852
01:04:48,509 --> 01:04:49,179
I'm not so old-fashioned.

1853
01:04:49,468 --> 01:04:51,508
You have appliances in today's age.

1854
01:04:51,804 --> 01:04:52,434
You get...

1855
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,515
I hope this is for a sore shoulder.

1856
01:05:01,814 --> 01:05:04,324
(laughter and applause)

1857
01:05:04,609 --> 01:05:05,149
Look, you got to take this

1858
01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:06,613
right away, honestly.

1859
01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:08,783
Holy moly, that's very frightening,

1860
01:05:09,071 --> 01:05:09,781
it's very frightening, I mean,

1861
01:05:10,072 --> 01:05:12,872
that's a high-voltage item, Buffy.

1862
01:05:13,159 --> 01:05:13,699
I mean, I don't want to be

1863
01:05:13,993 --> 01:05:14,833
intimate with anything that has

1864
01:05:15,119 --> 01:05:16,369
a 90-day warranty.

1865
01:05:16,662 --> 01:05:19,792
(laughter and applause)

1866
01:05:23,794 --> 01:05:26,134
(soft music)

1867
01:06:01,958 --> 01:06:02,998
- [Steven] Which one's your house?

1868
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:04,882
- [Lilah] It's just up ahead.

1869
01:06:05,169 --> 01:06:07,499
I think I should walk.

1870
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:08,457
- Are you sure you're

1871
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:09,376
gonna be all right?

1872
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:10,474
He doesn't beat you up,

1873
01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:11,878
or anything like that

1874
01:06:12,176 --> 01:06:14,386
because it is almost morning.

1875
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:20,684
- I'll slip into bed

1876
01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:22,477
with one of the kids.

1877
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:25,730
He'll think I've been there all night.

1878
01:06:27,650 --> 01:06:28,570
- What then?

1879
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:32,397
- I don't know.

1880
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:36,069
- You could run away with me.

1881
01:06:43,332 --> 01:06:45,252
- Thank you for tonight.

1882
01:06:46,377 --> 01:06:47,877
I'll never ever forget it.

1883
01:06:48,170 --> 01:06:49,840
- Oh, you were,

1884
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:52,011
you were brilliant.

1885
01:06:52,299 --> 01:06:53,719
- Because of you.

1886
01:06:54,010 --> 01:06:55,840
- Now, hold that thought, okay?

1887
01:06:56,137 --> 01:06:56,757
- Okay.

1888
01:07:00,141 --> 01:07:01,061
- Lilah.

1889
01:07:01,350 --> 01:07:01,850
- I got to go.

1890
01:07:02,143 --> 01:07:02,853
- No, I want to say something.

1891
01:07:03,144 --> 01:07:03,894
- Don't.

1892
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:06,976
- You don't know what I'm gonna say.

1893
01:07:07,898 --> 01:07:09,648
- Just say good night.

1894
01:07:14,321 --> 01:07:16,661
(soft music)

1895
01:07:35,801 --> 01:07:38,391
- You should have let me say it.

1896
01:07:39,638 --> 01:07:40,638
- Good night.

1897
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:14,464
- Steven, what are you doing here?

1898
01:08:14,757 --> 01:08:15,587
- Well, they won't put my calls

1899
01:08:15,883 --> 01:08:16,723
through to your office,

1900
01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:20,099
but I figured you had to have lunch, so.

1901
01:08:20,387 --> 01:08:20,927
- I'd love to, but I'm swamped

1902
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:21,932
trying to line this thing up.

1903
01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:22,763
- You know, I was waiting for you

1904
01:08:23,057 --> 01:08:23,597
down at the club,

1905
01:08:23,891 --> 01:08:24,431
but you never came down.

1906
01:08:24,725 --> 01:08:25,675
- Well I called.

1907
01:08:25,976 --> 01:08:27,936
You didn't get my message?

1908
01:08:29,188 --> 01:08:31,518
I don't believe it, you don't know.

1909
01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:32,606
No one called you this morning?

1910
01:08:32,900 --> 01:08:34,280
- I'm locked out of my apartment.

1911
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:35,528
I don't, what?

1912
01:08:36,695 --> 01:08:37,815
- Listen to this.

1913
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:39,324
I'm having dinner last night

1914
01:08:39,615 --> 01:08:40,775
with this guy,

1915
01:08:41,075 --> 01:08:43,945
major network executive, top brass

1916
01:08:44,245 --> 01:08:45,905
telling him how incredible you are

1917
01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:47,655
insisting he come down to see you,

1918
01:08:47,957 --> 01:08:49,497
and the whole idea just explodes

1919
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,422
into something absolutely spectacular.

1920
01:08:52,711 --> 01:08:53,671
Are you ready?

1921
01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,302
Two weeks from today,

1922
01:08:57,591 --> 01:09:00,721
we're coming down with our cameras

1923
01:09:01,011 --> 01:09:02,851
to shoot a one-hour special.

1924
01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:05,269
The pilot for a weekly series

1925
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:07,058
called Open Audition.

1926
01:09:07,351 --> 01:09:08,771
The winner each week gets

1927
01:09:09,061 --> 01:09:11,481
a guest spot on Johnny Carson.

1928
01:09:11,772 --> 01:09:13,982
What do you think, brilliant?

1929
01:09:15,818 --> 01:09:16,478
- Well, I think it's not what

1930
01:09:16,777 --> 01:09:18,607
you promised me.

1931
01:09:18,904 --> 01:09:20,864
- I promised you'd be seen.

1932
01:09:21,157 --> 01:09:22,117
This is no aimless audition.

1933
01:09:22,408 --> 01:09:23,948
The winner gets a shot at Johnny Carson.

1934
01:09:24,243 --> 01:09:24,783
- No one's coming down

1935
01:09:25,077 --> 01:09:25,987
to see me anymore.

1936
01:09:26,287 --> 01:09:26,867
- Of course they'll see you.

1937
01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:27,753
You're the best there.

1938
01:09:28,038 --> 01:09:28,748
- In your opinion.

1939
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:30,579
- In my opinion.

1940
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:32,665
It's worth something.

1941
01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:33,590
- Well, it's certainly worth

1942
01:09:33,878 --> 01:09:35,838
a lot more than your word.

1943
01:09:37,756 --> 01:09:39,546
- Steven, for your information

1944
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:40,472
the owner of your club

1945
01:09:40,759 --> 01:09:42,389
sent me a list of submissions.

1946
01:09:42,678 --> 01:09:44,758
The name Steven Gold wasn't on it.

1947
01:09:45,055 --> 01:09:48,015
He said you were emotionally unstable.

1948
01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:49,848
I had to exert pressure

1949
01:09:50,144 --> 01:09:51,194
just to keep you in this thing.

1950
01:09:51,478 --> 01:09:52,768
Don't give me heat about my word.

1951
01:09:53,063 --> 01:09:55,193
- Who else exactly is on this list?

1952
01:09:55,482 --> 01:09:56,942
- [Madeline] Why?

1953
01:09:57,234 --> 01:09:57,784
- Because there's someone good

1954
01:09:58,068 --> 01:09:59,938
you might have forgotten.

1955
01:10:01,155 --> 01:10:02,195
- Aren't you nice?

1956
01:10:02,489 --> 01:10:03,159
Aren't you nice?

1957
01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:03,989
Hello everybody,

1958
01:10:04,283 --> 01:10:04,913
and welcome to America's

1959
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:07,371
favorite noontime show in syndication.

1960
01:10:07,661 --> 01:10:09,751
It's the Lesbian Lunchbox.

1961
01:10:10,039 --> 01:10:10,709
You know, so many lesbians

1962
01:10:10,998 --> 01:10:11,708
come down to see the show.

1963
01:10:11,999 --> 01:10:12,539
I thought we'd just glance around,

1964
01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:13,373
and talk to some lesbians

1965
01:10:13,667 --> 01:10:14,207
that are here tonight.

1966
01:10:14,501 --> 01:10:15,041
Isn't that a good idea?

1967
01:10:15,336 --> 01:10:15,876
Doesn't that sound like

1968
01:10:16,170 --> 01:10:16,710
a wonderful idea to talk to some

1969
01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:17,554
lesbians here in the audience.

1970
01:10:17,838 --> 01:10:18,378
Hi, are you a lesbian?

1971
01:10:18,672 --> 01:10:19,212
- [Female] No!

1972
01:10:19,506 --> 01:10:20,046
- [Male] Methinks the lesbian

1973
01:10:20,341 --> 01:10:21,721
doth protest too much, just teasing you.

1974
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,139
(ringing)

1975
01:10:24,428 --> 01:10:25,348
- Hello.

1976
01:10:25,638 --> 01:10:26,598
- Yeah, this is the phone company.

1977
01:10:26,889 --> 01:10:30,019
Is Mrs. Krytsick in, it's important.

1978
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,139
- [Carrie] Mom, phone company.

1979
01:10:33,437 --> 01:10:34,057
- Hello.

1980
01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:35,355
- Lilah, it's me.

1981
01:10:35,648 --> 01:10:36,438
- Steven.

1982
01:10:36,732 --> 01:10:37,772
- [Steven] Yeah, I'm at the club.

1983
01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:38,607
What's going on?

1984
01:10:38,901 --> 01:10:39,901
Are you coming down?

1985
01:10:40,194 --> 01:10:40,744
- Look, you shouldn't have

1986
01:10:41,028 --> 01:10:42,608
called me here.

1987
01:10:42,905 --> 01:10:45,315
Didn't you get my message?

1988
01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:46,116
- Yeah, I did.

1989
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:47,238
What does that mean, exactly,

1990
01:10:47,534 --> 01:10:48,084
you can't come down to

1991
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:49,949
the club for a while?

1992
01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:51,826
- Look, I really can't talk.

1993
01:10:52,122 --> 01:10:52,712
- Well, wait a minute.

1994
01:10:52,998 --> 01:10:53,618
What about the contest?

1995
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:54,706
You're on the list.

1996
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:56,210
- What contest?

1997
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:57,632
- At the club where the winner gets

1998
01:10:57,920 --> 01:10:59,000
a shot on the Carson show.

1999
01:10:59,296 --> 01:11:00,086
- And I'm on the list?

2000
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,921
- Yeah, yeah, I got you on it.

2001
01:11:03,217 --> 01:11:03,877
- [Lilah] When is it?

2002
01:11:04,176 --> 01:11:05,676
- A week from Wednesday.

2003
01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:08,010
- Oh, God, I can't do it.

2004
01:11:08,305 --> 01:11:09,505
- Why not?

2005
01:11:09,807 --> 01:11:11,097
- Look, Steven, I'm kind of in

2006
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:13,102
a holding pattern here.

2007
01:11:14,603 --> 01:11:16,273
My husband wants me to quit.

2008
01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:18,153
- Jesus Christ, Lilah.

2009
01:11:19,108 --> 01:11:19,768
How long are you gonna put up

2010
01:11:20,067 --> 01:11:21,357
with this horse shit, huh?

2011
01:11:21,652 --> 01:11:23,242
- Steven, it's really not that simple.

2012
01:11:23,529 --> 01:11:24,069
- It is that simple.

2013
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:25,953
You're with the wrong fuckin' guy.

2014
01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:28,410
He doesn't deserve you and you know it.

2015
01:11:28,701 --> 01:11:29,241
I'm not afraid to come up there,

2016
01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:30,865
and tell that to his face, you know.

2017
01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:31,701
You should be with me.

2018
01:11:31,996 --> 01:11:33,496
I'll not afraid to tell him that either.

2019
01:11:33,789 --> 01:11:35,039
- No, no, no, the phone

2020
01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:36,622
is working just fine.

2021
01:11:36,917 --> 01:11:37,457
- Look, Lilah, you get your ass

2022
01:11:37,751 --> 01:11:38,291
over here in a taxicab

2023
01:11:38,585 --> 01:11:39,535
right away, all right?

2024
01:11:39,837 --> 01:11:42,207
- [Lilah] It's a little late for that.

2025
01:11:42,506 --> 01:11:43,256
- Who is it?

2026
01:11:43,549 --> 01:11:44,379
- It's the phone company.

2027
01:11:44,675 --> 01:11:46,335
- Okay, all right tomorrow then.

2028
01:11:46,635 --> 01:11:47,175
You meet me at

2029
01:11:47,469 --> 01:11:48,219
the coffee shop at six o'clock

2030
01:11:48,512 --> 01:11:50,182
- No, I couldn't make that appointment.

2031
01:11:50,472 --> 01:11:51,892
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.

2032
01:11:52,182 --> 01:11:52,722
- I love your hair!

2033
01:11:53,017 --> 01:11:54,387
- What's wrong with the phone?

2034
01:11:54,685 --> 01:11:55,595
- I don't know.

2035
01:11:55,894 --> 01:11:57,234
- All right, listen.

2036
01:11:57,521 --> 01:11:58,981
You come down, and you meet me,

2037
01:11:59,273 --> 01:11:59,983
or I'm gonna come up there,

2038
01:12:00,274 --> 01:12:01,324
and I'm gonna tell your husband that

2039
01:12:01,608 --> 01:12:02,188
I'm crazy in love with you,

2040
01:12:02,484 --> 01:12:03,944
and that you're in love with me.

2041
01:12:04,236 --> 01:12:04,776
- Wednesday.

2042
01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:06,360
- What time, six o'clock?

2043
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:08,155
- Don't get hustled into an appointment

2044
01:12:08,449 --> 01:12:10,199
if there's nothing wrong with the phone.

2045
01:12:10,492 --> 01:12:11,282
Give it to me.

2046
01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:12,697
- [Steven] Lilah, six o'clock?

2047
01:12:12,995 --> 01:12:13,535
- No.

2048
01:12:13,829 --> 01:12:14,369
- Give it to me.

2049
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:15,293
- No, no.

2050
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:18,500
- Lilah.

2051
01:12:20,044 --> 01:12:21,464
Lilah.

2052
01:12:21,754 --> 01:12:23,634
- I can't talk right now.

2053
01:12:29,845 --> 01:12:32,055
- So that's what this has been about.

2054
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:32,968
- No.

2055
01:12:36,643 --> 01:12:38,143
It's just a friend.

2056
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:40,230
- A man?

2057
01:12:42,983 --> 01:12:44,403
- [Lilah] A comic.

2058
01:12:46,528 --> 01:12:47,448
- Oh, I see.

2059
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:50,530
- He believes in me.

2060
01:12:50,824 --> 01:12:52,284
He thinks I'm funny.

2061
01:12:59,041 --> 01:12:59,711
- Some day, Lilah,

2062
01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:01,580
and it may be too late

2063
01:13:01,877 --> 01:13:02,417
you're gonna remember that

2064
01:13:02,711 --> 01:13:03,631
the people in this house loved you

2065
01:13:03,921 --> 01:13:06,211
whether you were funny or not.

2066
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,341
- [Jenny] It's 7:30, you happy?

2067
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:10,255
I'm home.

2068
01:13:13,597 --> 01:13:16,427
(melancholy music)

2069
01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:47,803
- If you can't make money

2070
01:13:48,090 --> 01:13:48,710
selling your services

2071
01:13:49,007 --> 01:13:50,837
what are you gonna sell, your body.

2072
01:13:51,135 --> 01:13:51,965
You're gonna go down to this hospital,

2073
01:13:52,261 --> 01:13:53,761
and get an immediate appraisal of

2074
01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,394
your own self-worth.

2075
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,101
"450 for your liver, for your liver 450.

2076
01:13:58,392 --> 01:13:58,932
"Two pints of blood?

2077
01:13:59,226 --> 01:14:00,556
"Yes, I'll take it off your hands,

2078
01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,273
"and I'll take off your heads.

2079
01:14:02,563 --> 01:14:03,193
"For your eyes 10 cents.

2080
01:14:03,480 --> 01:14:04,810
"No noses today, no noses.

2081
01:14:05,107 --> 01:14:06,227
"Come back Tuesday."

2082
01:14:06,525 --> 01:14:07,525
If you're not gonna sell your body,

2083
01:14:07,818 --> 01:14:09,398
what are you gonna sell, your dreams?

2084
01:14:09,695 --> 01:14:12,655
Go down to one of these dream clinics.

2085
01:14:15,576 --> 01:14:16,616
Can you imagine that?

2086
01:14:16,910 --> 01:14:18,370
Selling your dreams?

2087
01:14:22,708 --> 01:14:24,208
- Hi, so what do you want?

2088
01:14:24,501 --> 01:14:25,041
You know I'm a hair designer.

2089
01:14:25,335 --> 01:14:26,375
I could give you anything.

2090
01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:27,630
Glamour, punk.

2091
01:14:28,589 --> 01:14:31,759
Look at these roots, look at that.

2092
01:14:32,050 --> 01:14:33,760
Want to go back to your natural colour?

2093
01:14:34,052 --> 01:14:35,892
- I just want a change.

2094
01:14:36,180 --> 01:14:37,850
- [Hairdresser] What, a whole new look?

2095
01:14:38,140 --> 01:14:38,970
A whole new thing?

2096
01:14:39,266 --> 01:14:41,476
- Different, I want a change.

2097
01:14:43,103 --> 01:14:44,563
- Okay, okay, great, all right.

2098
01:14:44,855 --> 01:14:45,395
I got a great idea.

2099
01:14:45,689 --> 01:14:47,399
You're gonna love this.

2100
01:14:51,069 --> 01:14:53,149
- [John] Well, this stuff looks ready.

2101
01:14:53,447 --> 01:14:54,317
Where is she?

2102
01:14:54,615 --> 01:14:56,235
- She said she'd be home by 5:30.

2103
01:14:56,533 --> 01:14:57,583
- Well, it's almost six.

2104
01:14:57,868 --> 01:14:59,078
- She's getting her hair done.

2105
01:14:59,369 --> 01:15:00,619
- How long does that take?

2106
01:15:00,913 --> 01:15:02,623
- You better take the roast out.

2107
01:15:02,915 --> 01:15:04,665
- What do I do?

2108
01:15:04,958 --> 01:15:06,248
- [Carrie] Well, you open the oven,

2109
01:15:06,543 --> 01:15:07,293
and take it out.

2110
01:15:07,586 --> 01:15:09,046
- Don't get smart with me.

2111
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:09,958
- Sorry.

2112
01:15:11,173 --> 01:15:11,843
Stop eating those.

2113
01:15:12,132 --> 01:15:13,592
You'll spoil your appetite.

2114
01:15:13,884 --> 01:15:17,934
Lilah?

2115
01:15:23,727 --> 01:15:24,477
Lilah.

2116
01:15:25,729 --> 01:15:27,729
- I didn't mean to do it.

2117
01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,114
I just wanted a change.

2118
01:15:30,400 --> 01:15:31,150
I didn't mean to do it.

2119
01:15:31,443 --> 01:15:32,193
- Now take it easy, Lilah.

2120
01:15:32,486 --> 01:15:33,186
- [Carrie] Mom, don't cry.

2121
01:15:33,487 --> 01:15:35,357
- Take it easy, Lilah, take it easy.

2122
01:15:35,656 --> 01:15:36,236
Come on, come on now,

2123
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:37,322
come on, honey, come here, come here,

2124
01:15:37,616 --> 01:15:38,446
come here, come here,

2125
01:15:38,742 --> 01:15:40,582
just sit down now, sit down.

2126
01:15:40,869 --> 01:15:41,409
- Just calm down.

2127
01:15:41,703 --> 01:15:42,953
- [Lilah] I didn't do it on purpose.

2128
01:15:43,247 --> 01:15:44,157
- Sit down, sit down.

2129
01:15:44,456 --> 01:15:45,826
It's not that bad.

2130
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:46,674
- [Carrie] It's not.

2131
01:15:46,959 --> 01:15:48,249
- I look like Buckwheat.

2132
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:49,504
- No.

2133
01:15:49,795 --> 01:15:50,915
- Come on, you're just not used to it.

2134
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:52,593
We'll just have to get used to it.

2135
01:15:52,881 --> 01:15:54,801
- Yeah, we got to get used to it.

2136
01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:55,632
- Okay?

2137
01:15:55,926 --> 01:15:56,506
- [Lilah] Okay.

2138
01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:57,682
- Okay, I'll tell you what.

2139
01:15:57,970 --> 01:15:58,550
We're gonna see what we got here.

2140
01:15:58,845 --> 01:15:59,385
Let me look at it.

2141
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:00,560
- [Lilah] Okay.

2142
01:16:00,847 --> 01:16:03,137
- I'll take a look, okay?

2143
01:16:03,433 --> 01:16:04,983
- [Lilah] Okay, okay.

2144
01:16:15,862 --> 01:16:17,072
- I think it's wonderful.

2145
01:16:17,364 --> 01:16:18,034
- You do?

2146
01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:18,863
- No question.

2147
01:16:19,157 --> 01:16:20,197
- You look like a movie star.

2148
01:16:20,492 --> 01:16:21,532
- You're not just saying that?

2149
01:16:21,827 --> 01:16:22,787
- No.

2150
01:16:23,078 --> 01:16:24,498
- [Heidi] You look like Miss America.

2151
01:16:24,788 --> 01:16:25,748
- [Carrie] You're the prettiest mother

2152
01:16:26,039 --> 01:16:27,369
of any kid at my school.

2153
01:16:27,666 --> 01:16:28,206
- It looks better

2154
01:16:28,500 --> 01:16:29,580
than it ever looked before.

2155
01:16:29,876 --> 01:16:30,416
- Mothers at my school are pigs

2156
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:31,791
compared to you.

2157
01:16:32,087 --> 01:16:33,297
- Oh, you.

2158
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:34,419
- They are, they're oinkers

2159
01:16:34,715 --> 01:16:36,085
compared to you.

2160
01:16:36,383 --> 01:16:37,593
- [Heidi] You've got the prettiest hair

2161
01:16:37,884 --> 01:16:39,804
of anyone in the world.

2162
01:16:40,095 --> 01:16:40,965
- Sweetheart.

2163
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,095
Honey, thank you.

2164
01:16:47,477 --> 01:16:49,227
- [Carrie] Thank you.

2165
01:16:49,521 --> 01:16:51,561
(laughter)

2166
01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:08,660
(jazz music)

2167
01:17:26,475 --> 01:17:27,385
- Yo, Lilah.

2168
01:17:28,477 --> 01:17:29,597
- Steven.

2169
01:17:29,895 --> 01:17:30,935
How's it going?

2170
01:17:32,606 --> 01:17:34,016
- Tough going?

2171
01:17:34,316 --> 01:17:35,266
- I like your outfit.

2172
01:17:35,567 --> 01:17:38,687
- Oh, thank you, it's my Italian look.

2173
01:17:38,987 --> 01:17:39,857
Married woman, single man,

2174
01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:41,985
scandalous affair.

2175
01:17:42,282 --> 01:17:44,332
What happened to your head?

2176
01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:46,624
- It's terrible, isn't it?

2177
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:48,002
- No, no.

2178
01:17:48,288 --> 01:17:50,918
Did they drill holes in it for bowling?

2179
01:17:51,208 --> 01:17:51,788
- Thank you, Steven.

2180
01:17:52,084 --> 01:17:54,004
I knew I could count on you.

2181
01:17:54,294 --> 01:17:55,844
- Always, coffee?

2182
01:17:56,129 --> 01:17:57,089
Dry out a bit.

2183
01:17:58,548 --> 01:18:01,548
Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.

2184
01:18:08,058 --> 01:18:08,808
- Thanks.

2185
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:14,225
- I didn't get you in trouble, did I,

2186
01:18:14,523 --> 01:18:15,403
by calling you at the house?

2187
01:18:15,691 --> 01:18:17,981
- No, it's not your fault.

2188
01:18:18,276 --> 01:18:19,276
- What's the deal?

2189
01:18:19,569 --> 01:18:20,609
He doesn't let you have friends.

2190
01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:22,074
He doesn't let you do stand-up.

2191
01:18:22,364 --> 01:18:23,664
I'm surprised he lets you out the house.

2192
01:18:23,949 --> 01:18:26,779
- He thinks I'm at a PTA Meeting.

2193
01:18:27,077 --> 01:18:29,287
- So why don't you leave him?

2194
01:18:30,747 --> 01:18:32,787
You could do that, you know.

2195
01:18:33,083 --> 01:18:35,213
People do it all the time.

2196
01:18:35,502 --> 01:18:36,042
Especially, now that he knows

2197
01:18:36,336 --> 01:18:37,336
there's another man.

2198
01:18:37,629 --> 01:18:39,549
You could pack up those kids and split.

2199
01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:41,130
- Steven, I've only got

2200
01:18:41,425 --> 01:18:42,005
a couple of minutes.

2201
01:18:42,300 --> 01:18:43,340
Could we talk serious?

2202
01:18:43,635 --> 01:18:44,675
- Okay, you know why six

2203
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:46,350
is afraid of seven?

2204
01:18:48,807 --> 01:18:49,467
- [Lilah] What?

2205
01:18:49,766 --> 01:18:50,306
- You want to talk serious.

2206
01:18:50,600 --> 01:18:51,140
This is serious.

2207
01:18:51,435 --> 01:18:52,475
You know why six is afraid of seven?

2208
01:18:52,769 --> 01:18:53,309
- [Lilah] No.

2209
01:18:53,603 --> 01:18:56,483
- Because seven "eight" nine.

2210
01:18:56,773 --> 01:18:58,733
It's a kid's joke.

2211
01:18:59,025 --> 01:19:00,185
See, I do kids' parties,

2212
01:19:00,485 --> 01:19:01,025
and kids love me

2213
01:19:01,319 --> 01:19:02,029
once they get to know me,

2214
01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:04,780
and I think that your kids will love me,

2215
01:19:05,073 --> 01:19:06,533
once they get to know me.

2216
01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:08,695
- I'm sure, Steven.

2217
01:19:08,994 --> 01:19:09,544
- [Steven] You know, Mr. Carrot,

2218
01:19:09,828 --> 01:19:10,368
and Mr. Lettuce had

2219
01:19:10,662 --> 01:19:11,582
a terrible auto accident.

2220
01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:12,412
You know what the doctor said

2221
01:19:12,706 --> 01:19:14,956
when they took them to the hospital?

2222
01:19:15,250 --> 01:19:15,880
- They'd be vegetables

2223
01:19:16,168 --> 01:19:17,038
the rest of their lives.

2224
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:17,995
- You knew it?

2225
01:19:18,295 --> 01:19:18,835
- [Lilah] No, I didn't.

2226
01:19:19,129 --> 01:19:19,749
- You know, I had a girlfriend,

2227
01:19:20,046 --> 01:19:20,586
she was so skinny.

2228
01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:21,421
- [Lilah] Steven, Steven.

2229
01:19:21,715 --> 01:19:23,755
- You know how skinny she was?

2230
01:19:24,050 --> 01:19:24,880
- When she drank tomato juice

2231
01:19:25,177 --> 01:19:26,257
she looked like a thermometer?

2232
01:19:26,553 --> 01:19:27,093
- That's right.

2233
01:19:27,387 --> 01:19:27,927
You know how ugly she was?

2234
01:19:28,221 --> 01:19:28,761
- [Lilah] Steven, these are so old.

2235
01:19:29,055 --> 01:19:29,595
- Tell me how ugly she was.

2236
01:19:29,890 --> 01:19:30,430
- [Lilah] These are very old.

2237
01:19:30,724 --> 01:19:31,274
- Tell me how ugly was she?

2238
01:19:31,558 --> 01:19:33,178
- How ugly was she?

2239
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:34,557
How ugly was she?

2240
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,853
When she walked into a room

2241
01:19:38,356 --> 01:19:40,776
all the mice jumped on chairs.

2242
01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:43,534
- Do you see?

2243
01:19:43,820 --> 01:19:46,860
Do you see how great we would be?

2244
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:50,197
Together, I mean, married or something.

2245
01:19:52,746 --> 01:19:55,036
That's right, that's what I said.

2246
01:19:55,332 --> 01:19:56,372
I said married.

2247
01:20:01,171 --> 01:20:03,421
- Steven, I love my husband.

2248
01:20:08,136 --> 01:20:08,886
- Yeah.

2249
01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:10,930
Well,

2250
01:20:13,809 --> 01:20:14,559
because we're gonna be married

2251
01:20:14,851 --> 01:20:17,061
you'll have to get over that.

2252
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:20,403
- I know you don't believe it,

2253
01:20:20,690 --> 01:20:22,980
but he loves me, too, he does.

2254
01:20:24,361 --> 01:20:27,491
Sometimes, I think he deserves a medal.

2255
01:20:55,725 --> 01:20:56,475
- Steven,

2256
01:21:00,605 --> 01:21:02,605
you just took it too far.

2257
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:07,320
We were friends, we are friends, we are.

2258
01:21:07,612 --> 01:21:08,152
It's not like we're not

2259
01:21:08,446 --> 01:21:08,986
gonna see each other,

2260
01:21:09,281 --> 01:21:10,161
we are gonna see each other.

2261
01:21:10,448 --> 01:21:13,778
- You're gonna give up stand-up comedy?

2262
01:21:14,077 --> 01:21:15,117
- I don't know.

2263
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:17,832
- Well, that's where I am, babe.

2264
01:21:18,123 --> 01:21:19,123
See, I'm Mr. Comedy,

2265
01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:19,956
and if you kiss it off

2266
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:21,000
then you're kissing me off, too,

2267
01:21:21,293 --> 01:21:21,963
so don't tell me we're gonna

2268
01:21:22,252 --> 01:21:23,132
see each other again.

2269
01:21:23,420 --> 01:21:24,300
- [Lilah] They're my family.

2270
01:21:24,588 --> 01:21:25,128
They need me.

2271
01:21:25,422 --> 01:21:25,962
- What if I told you that

2272
01:21:26,256 --> 01:21:27,916
I was gonna die without you?

2273
01:21:28,216 --> 01:21:28,756
Not that I am, mind you,

2274
01:21:29,050 --> 01:21:29,880
but what if I told you I was?

2275
01:21:30,176 --> 01:21:32,086
That I woke this morning thinking that

2276
01:21:32,387 --> 01:21:35,597
you were all I had to keep me going.

2277
01:21:35,891 --> 01:21:38,681
- You have comedy to keep you going.

2278
01:21:39,895 --> 01:21:40,635
- Yeah.

2279
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:44,064
- Jesus, what do you want from me?

2280
01:21:44,357 --> 01:21:45,147
- Nothing!

2281
01:21:45,442 --> 01:21:46,072
Nothing.

2282
01:21:47,068 --> 01:21:48,358
Nothing, just go back to New Jersey,

2283
01:21:48,653 --> 01:21:49,903
and clean house and tell jokes

2284
01:21:50,196 --> 01:21:52,026
into a vacuum cleaner handle,

2285
01:21:52,324 --> 01:21:53,124
and when your husband comes home,

2286
01:21:53,408 --> 01:21:55,908
pin a fucking medal on him, pin it deep.

2287
01:21:56,202 --> 01:21:56,912
- You think that's what I want?

2288
01:21:57,203 --> 01:21:57,753
- No, nothing,

2289
01:21:58,038 --> 01:21:58,578
I don't know what you want.

2290
01:21:58,872 --> 01:22:01,502
In the words of our own Billy Lane

2291
01:22:02,709 --> 01:22:04,209
"The love of my life

2292
01:22:04,502 --> 01:22:05,842
"is a lady named Comedy."

2293
01:22:06,129 --> 01:22:06,749
And in the words of Henry Kissinger

2294
01:22:07,047 --> 01:22:07,587
"A man should never be separated

2295
01:22:07,881 --> 01:22:08,671
"from his luggage."

2296
01:22:08,965 --> 01:22:09,505
Now this is neither here nor there,

2297
01:22:09,799 --> 01:22:10,759
but it's right in the middle.

2298
01:22:11,051 --> 01:22:11,801
Right where the thalamus joins

2299
01:22:12,093 --> 01:22:13,553
the basal ganglia which is right there,

2300
01:22:13,845 --> 01:22:15,095
and if you haven't heard basal ganglia,

2301
01:22:15,388 --> 01:22:16,468
you haven't heard Shakespeare performed

2302
01:22:16,765 --> 01:22:18,305
the way it ought to be.

2303
01:22:18,600 --> 01:22:19,810
The basal ganglia,

2304
01:22:20,101 --> 01:22:20,981
where something passing through

2305
01:22:21,269 --> 01:22:22,519
the size of just a peanut

2306
01:22:22,812 --> 01:22:24,652
can bring silence!

2307
01:22:24,940 --> 01:22:27,360
Darkness, like a comet, like a ship,

2308
01:22:27,651 --> 01:22:29,031
lo, passing into the night.

2309
01:22:29,319 --> 01:22:30,029
- This scares me, stop it!

2310
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:31,150
- Don't be scared

2311
01:22:31,446 --> 01:22:33,156
because I'm funny Steve

2312
01:22:34,074 --> 01:22:35,954
with a lampshade on his head

2313
01:22:36,242 --> 01:22:37,282
who is singing and dancing,

2314
01:22:37,577 --> 01:22:39,947
for your entertainment,

2315
01:22:40,246 --> 01:22:41,576
his own rendition of

2316
01:22:41,873 --> 01:22:43,713
Singing in the Rain!

2317
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:47,540
♫ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la

2318
01:22:51,716 --> 01:22:54,046
(soft music)

2319
01:25:15,944 --> 01:25:17,694
- [Male] Girls, everybody, come close.

2320
01:25:17,987 --> 01:25:19,027
I want to talk to you, please.

2321
01:25:19,322 --> 01:25:20,322
- Marty, come up here.

2322
01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:21,445
Yeah, get Stu to give you a hand,

2323
01:25:21,741 --> 01:25:23,491
come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.

2324
01:25:23,785 --> 01:25:25,155
There are gonna be five judges.

2325
01:25:25,453 --> 01:25:25,993
Five judges, I want them

2326
01:25:26,287 --> 01:25:27,077
seated at table seven.

2327
01:25:27,372 --> 01:25:28,912
Eve, you take care of them.

2328
01:25:29,207 --> 01:25:29,867
Everything's on the cuff.

2329
01:25:30,166 --> 01:25:32,126
Everything's on the house.

2330
01:25:35,171 --> 01:25:36,421
- Hey, you guys!

2331
01:25:37,924 --> 01:25:39,724
They said that Robyn Green is coming,

2332
01:25:40,009 --> 01:25:42,179
and he's gonna be one of the judges.

2333
01:25:42,470 --> 01:25:43,850
- Big fuckin' deal!

2334
01:25:45,807 --> 01:25:46,717
- [Male] You, no way.

2335
01:25:47,016 --> 01:25:47,556
No, no, no way, okay?

2336
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:48,391
- [Lilah] I don't know where to park.

2337
01:25:48,685 --> 01:25:50,635
- Well, you can't park here, okay?

2338
01:25:50,937 --> 01:25:51,647
- I'm one of the comics.

2339
01:25:51,938 --> 01:25:52,478
- [Male] What's that?

2340
01:25:52,772 --> 01:25:53,312
- I'm one of the comics.

2341
01:25:53,606 --> 01:25:54,396
- Don't tell him to get out of here,

2342
01:25:54,691 --> 01:25:55,481
he's on the show.

2343
01:25:55,775 --> 01:25:56,935
- [Male] All right,
well, listen, back it up.

2344
01:25:57,235 --> 01:25:57,775
- He's gonna win.

2345
01:25:58,069 --> 01:26:01,319
- Great, pull around back there, park it.

2346
01:26:01,614 --> 01:26:02,494
People, the show don't start

2347
01:26:02,782 --> 01:26:03,372
for two hours.

2348
01:26:03,658 --> 01:26:04,488
Please get out of here.

2349
01:26:04,784 --> 01:26:05,624
Whoa, who, whoa,

2350
01:26:05,910 --> 01:26:07,410
that's electric that cable.

2351
01:26:07,704 --> 01:26:08,294
- Rico, you're seven,

2352
01:26:08,580 --> 01:26:09,620
Petroviak, you're eight,

2353
01:26:09,914 --> 01:26:11,004
Lilah, nine, where's Lilah?

2354
01:26:11,291 --> 01:26:12,121
Doesn't she know there's a contest?

2355
01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,167
Where's Steven, where's Ball?

2356
01:26:14,460 --> 01:26:15,000
Didn't I tell everybody

2357
01:26:15,295 --> 01:26:17,085
to be here by six o'clock?

2358
01:26:17,380 --> 01:26:17,920
Will you tell me when

2359
01:26:18,214 --> 01:26:18,764
they get here, please.

2360
01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:20,508
- Romeo, why I got to go first, man?

2361
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:21,430
- Somebody's got to go first.

2362
01:26:21,718 --> 01:26:22,588
Why shouldn't it be you?

2363
01:26:22,886 --> 01:26:23,506
- [Albert] I don't want to go after Ball.

2364
01:26:23,803 --> 01:26:24,723
- What is this, a mutiny?

2365
01:26:25,013 --> 01:26:26,813
- I didn't get a number.

2366
01:26:29,726 --> 01:26:33,016
- Billy, what are you doing here?

2367
01:26:33,313 --> 01:26:34,233
- The contest.

2368
01:26:35,815 --> 01:26:38,565
- Billy, didn't you, I had a list.

2369
01:26:39,652 --> 01:26:41,652
Didn't you read the list?

2370
01:26:42,697 --> 01:26:44,777
Billy, I'm terribly sorry.

2371
01:26:45,074 --> 01:26:47,334
I only got ten spots.

2372
01:26:47,619 --> 01:26:49,449
It's a network television audition.

2373
01:26:49,746 --> 01:26:52,036
It's for comics of the future.

2374
01:26:54,083 --> 01:26:56,133
Come on, I need you in the audience.

2375
01:26:56,419 --> 01:26:58,749
I need you for laughter, huh?

2376
01:26:59,047 --> 01:26:59,587
Come on, I need everybody.

2377
01:26:59,881 --> 01:27:00,551
Everybody's got to laugh

2378
01:27:00,840 --> 01:27:01,510
at everybody else's act.

2379
01:27:01,799 --> 01:27:03,429
We're a family, right?

2380
01:27:07,972 --> 01:27:10,142
Relax, I'll call you later.

2381
01:27:16,564 --> 01:27:18,574
(sirens)

2382
01:27:26,115 --> 01:27:27,985
- I have an announcement, folks.

2383
01:27:28,284 --> 01:27:29,744
Elvis has cancelled.

2384
01:27:32,121 --> 01:27:32,961
Please turn in your tickets

2385
01:27:33,248 --> 01:27:33,998
at the box office.

2386
01:27:34,290 --> 01:27:35,920
You want to bop a little bit, girls.

2387
01:27:36,209 --> 01:27:37,419
Here come the dogs.

2388
01:27:37,710 --> 01:27:39,670
(barking)

2389
01:27:46,052 --> 01:27:48,432
- Mom, dessert's ready.

2390
01:27:48,721 --> 01:27:50,811
Dad wants you to come down.

2391
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:53,059
Mom?

2392
01:27:57,188 --> 01:27:59,358
Dad made a special dessert.

2393
01:28:01,567 --> 01:28:03,317
- Where are you going?

2394
01:28:04,362 --> 01:28:07,282
- There's a contest at the club tonight.

2395
01:28:07,573 --> 01:28:08,953
I want to be in it.

2396
01:28:10,952 --> 01:28:11,952
- [Carrie] But you promised Daddy.

2397
01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:13,035
- I promised Daddy

2398
01:28:13,329 --> 01:28:16,749
I would think about it, and I have.

2399
01:28:17,041 --> 01:28:17,921
If you guys would come in

2400
01:28:18,209 --> 01:28:18,879
I'd like to talk to you

2401
01:28:19,168 --> 01:28:22,208
about what I've been thinking, come on.

2402
01:28:24,424 --> 01:28:25,174
Come on.

2403
01:28:31,347 --> 01:28:32,097
There's three things

2404
01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:34,270
in this world that I love.

2405
01:28:34,559 --> 01:28:36,269
I love being a mom.

2406
01:28:36,561 --> 01:28:38,561
I love being a wife,

2407
01:28:38,855 --> 01:28:39,515
and I love being able

2408
01:28:39,814 --> 01:28:41,064
to make people laugh.

2409
01:28:41,357 --> 01:28:42,517
I've always been able to

2410
01:28:42,817 --> 01:28:43,687
make people laugh

2411
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:46,735
even when I was a little girl.

2412
01:28:47,030 --> 01:28:49,320
It's always made me feel good.

2413
01:28:50,783 --> 01:28:53,043
It still makes me feel good.

2414
01:28:55,288 --> 01:28:56,198
The thing is

2415
01:28:57,165 --> 01:28:58,745
when you do it right,

2416
01:28:59,042 --> 01:29:01,132
and you make people laugh

2417
01:29:01,419 --> 01:29:02,379
it feels like,

2418
01:29:04,130 --> 01:29:05,710
like you're doing something that

2419
01:29:06,007 --> 01:29:09,547
no one else could do quite the same.

2420
01:29:09,844 --> 01:29:10,474
You know?

2421
01:29:12,263 --> 01:29:13,603
It makes you feel

2422
01:29:15,475 --> 01:29:16,215
special.

2423
01:29:19,270 --> 01:29:20,350
I'd be a happy mom if you guys

2424
01:29:20,646 --> 01:29:21,936
could find something in your lives that

2425
01:29:22,231 --> 01:29:23,191
could make you feel that way,

2426
01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:25,153
you know, make you feel special.

2427
01:29:25,443 --> 01:29:26,993
You know what I mean?

2428
01:29:30,573 --> 01:29:32,623
I'd be even happier

2429
01:29:32,909 --> 01:29:33,949
knowing that the people who loved you

2430
01:29:34,243 --> 01:29:36,373
were helping you to do that.

2431
01:29:42,043 --> 01:29:43,963
I want to be a wife.

2432
01:29:44,253 --> 01:29:46,303
I want to be your mom,

2433
01:29:46,589 --> 01:29:48,839
and I want to be a comedienne.

2434
01:29:50,635 --> 01:29:52,085
I know.

2435
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:53,757
People don't always get everything

2436
01:29:54,055 --> 01:29:55,675
they want out of life.

2437
01:29:59,435 --> 01:30:02,515
But it would feel terrible to not try.

2438
01:30:09,529 --> 01:30:10,279
- Lilah,

2439
01:30:11,697 --> 01:30:12,947
could I see you?

2440
01:30:14,742 --> 01:30:16,702
- When I come home.

2441
01:30:16,994 --> 01:30:18,374
- I mean, do it.

2442
01:30:18,663 --> 01:30:20,623
I'd like to see you do it.

2443
01:30:23,751 --> 01:30:24,921
- Say yes, Mom.

2444
01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:32,593
- Okay.

2445
01:30:34,387 --> 01:30:38,007
- [Carrie and Heidi] Yeah,
yeah, yeah, all right.

2446
01:30:38,307 --> 01:30:38,967
- [Steven] It's Robyn Green,

2447
01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:40,807
ladies and gentlemen.

2448
01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,358
Let's not get too close to Robyn, folks.

2449
01:30:45,648 --> 01:30:46,688
Robyn's a celebrity.

2450
01:30:46,983 --> 01:30:47,523
He doesn't want to be bothered

2451
01:30:47,817 --> 01:30:48,897
by scum like us.

2452
01:30:49,193 --> 01:30:50,443
Oh, look, he's got a bodyguard.

2453
01:30:50,736 --> 01:30:51,276
I bet you anything

2454
01:30:51,571 --> 01:30:53,071
his name is Vic or Tony.

2455
01:30:53,364 --> 01:30:55,744
How's the bone-breaking business, Tony?

2456
01:30:56,033 --> 01:30:57,663
Ha-ha, nice hair.

2457
01:30:57,952 --> 01:31:00,202
Oh, it's another limousine, everybody.

2458
01:31:00,496 --> 01:31:01,616
That can only mean one thing,

2459
01:31:01,914 --> 01:31:02,714
a celebrity's inside.

2460
01:31:02,999 --> 01:31:04,419
Let's see who it is.

2461
01:31:04,709 --> 01:31:05,669
It's some guy.

2462
01:31:07,545 --> 01:31:09,415
It's some older gentleman

2463
01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:11,804
with some beautiful blonde babe.

2464
01:31:12,091 --> 01:31:12,671
Hey, folks, can you stop

2465
01:31:12,967 --> 01:31:14,757
just for a photograph, please?

2466
01:31:15,052 --> 01:31:16,142
Come on, come on.

2467
01:31:16,429 --> 01:31:18,849
Just for a lively little photograph.

2468
01:31:19,140 --> 01:31:21,180
- [Female] Who is that guy?

2469
01:31:35,072 --> 01:31:35,862
- Come on in, everybody.

2470
01:31:36,157 --> 01:31:36,987
The contest hasn't started.

2471
01:31:37,283 --> 01:31:38,333
You're gonna see a great show.

2472
01:31:38,618 --> 01:31:39,488
I had to come up on stage.

2473
01:31:39,785 --> 01:31:41,285
I had to say hello because I love you.

2474
01:31:41,579 --> 01:31:42,289
How much do I love you?

2475
01:31:42,580 --> 01:31:45,080
- Give a hand for Robyn Green, huh?

2476
01:31:45,374 --> 01:31:47,504
The wonderful Robyn Green.

2477
01:31:47,793 --> 01:31:49,463
- We don't have time for any more jokes,

2478
01:31:49,754 --> 01:31:50,424
ladies and gentlemen.

2479
01:31:50,713 --> 01:31:51,593
Maybe a couple of punchlines.

2480
01:31:51,881 --> 01:31:52,801
Ping Pong balls?

2481
01:31:53,090 --> 01:31:55,970
I thought you said King Kong's balls.

2482
01:31:57,803 --> 01:31:58,513
- Honey, you look great.

2483
01:31:58,804 --> 01:31:59,354
- [Lilah] So do you.

2484
01:31:59,639 --> 01:32:01,009
Good to see you.

2485
01:32:01,307 --> 01:32:03,137
Hi Joycee, thanks,

2486
01:32:03,434 --> 01:32:04,354
thanks.

2487
01:32:04,644 --> 01:32:05,194
- Ladies and gentlemen,

2488
01:32:05,478 --> 01:32:06,018
Robyn Green, you know,

2489
01:32:06,312 --> 01:32:07,152
started right on this very stage,

2490
01:32:07,438 --> 01:32:08,648
and now I can't get him off.

2491
01:32:08,940 --> 01:32:10,570
Off, off, off, off, off.

2492
01:32:10,858 --> 01:32:11,398
- Thank you very much,

2493
01:32:11,692 --> 01:32:12,232
ladies and gentlemen.

2494
01:32:12,527 --> 01:32:14,107
Romeo, Romeo.

2495
01:32:14,403 --> 01:32:16,243
- Very good, very good, Robyn.

2496
01:32:16,531 --> 01:32:17,741
That's wonderful.

2497
01:32:20,368 --> 01:32:21,118
Ladies and gentlemen,

2498
01:32:21,410 --> 01:32:22,910
this is a big night for us here at

2499
01:32:23,204 --> 01:32:24,254
the Gas Station because

2500
01:32:24,539 --> 01:32:26,829
we have a distinguished panel of judges

2501
01:32:27,124 --> 01:32:27,874
who are gonna select one of

2502
01:32:28,167 --> 01:32:29,327
our rising young comedians,

2503
01:32:29,627 --> 01:32:31,037
and give him an opportunity

2504
01:32:31,337 --> 01:32:33,627
on a major network television show.

2505
01:32:33,923 --> 01:32:34,843
I'd like to have a hand for our

2506
01:32:35,132 --> 01:32:37,842
distinguished panel of judges, huh?

2507
01:32:40,012 --> 01:32:43,102
You remember them from Nuremberg, huh?

2508
01:32:44,767 --> 01:32:45,637
It's time to roll,

2509
01:32:45,935 --> 01:32:47,265
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

2510
01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:48,402
- [Male] And tape is rolling.

2511
01:32:48,688 --> 01:32:50,438
- Tape is rolling.

2512
01:32:50,731 --> 01:32:51,361
- [Male] We are on a go.

2513
01:32:51,649 --> 01:32:54,319
- We are on a go, okay, now, okay?

2514
01:32:54,610 --> 01:32:56,740
(drum roll)

2515
01:32:57,947 --> 01:32:59,657
Welcome to contest night at

2516
01:32:59,949 --> 01:33:01,159
the Gas Station.

2517
01:33:01,450 --> 01:33:03,830
(upbeat music)

2518
01:33:09,750 --> 01:33:11,630
- ♫ Stop

2519
01:33:11,919 --> 01:33:13,129
♫ Stop

2520
01:33:13,421 --> 01:33:16,301
♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me

2521
01:33:16,591 --> 01:33:19,551
♫ Stop

2522
01:33:19,844 --> 01:33:22,934
♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me

2523
01:33:23,222 --> 01:33:25,932
♫ I'm so successful

2524
01:33:26,225 --> 01:33:29,055
♫ Oh, can't you see?

2525
01:33:29,353 --> 01:33:32,313
♫ I love to hug myself

2526
01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:35,277
♫ It brings me ecstasy

2527
01:33:35,568 --> 01:33:36,188
- You know, a lot of people

2528
01:33:36,485 --> 01:33:39,645
think all black men are well-hung.

2529
01:33:39,947 --> 01:33:41,817
This ain't the truth.

2530
01:33:42,116 --> 01:33:42,616
You got brothers out there

2531
01:33:42,908 --> 01:33:45,288
with three and four inches.

2532
01:33:45,578 --> 01:33:46,538
Yeah, those are the ones that

2533
01:33:46,829 --> 01:33:48,039
date white women.

2534
01:33:50,666 --> 01:33:52,326
Is this thing on?

2535
01:33:52,627 --> 01:33:53,287
- So I was at my girlfriend's house

2536
01:33:53,586 --> 01:33:55,456
the other day, and she was waking up.

2537
01:33:55,755 --> 01:33:58,205
She leans over to me and she says

2538
01:33:58,507 --> 01:34:01,047
"Sweet pea, want some breakfast?"

2539
01:34:04,805 --> 01:34:07,265
- I am pissed off of a Japanese.

2540
01:34:07,558 --> 01:34:09,678
Japanese people piss me off.

2541
01:34:09,977 --> 01:34:11,307
Yes, you know why?

2542
01:34:11,604 --> 01:34:12,444
You know why?

2543
01:34:12,730 --> 01:34:13,560
- [Audience] Why?

2544
01:34:13,856 --> 01:34:16,606
- Feel how heavy this shit is.

2545
01:34:16,901 --> 01:34:17,731
- When a guy is mean to us,

2546
01:34:18,027 --> 01:34:18,817
or if he cheats on us

2547
01:34:19,111 --> 01:34:21,361
we can't tell him you're a bastard.

2548
01:34:21,656 --> 01:34:22,856
We'll call our girlfriends up, right?

2549
01:34:23,157 --> 01:34:25,827
And with a syllable hysteria

2550
01:34:26,118 --> 01:34:28,118
He-hurt-me-so-much

2551
01:34:28,412 --> 01:34:29,952
I-can't-take-the-pain

2552
01:34:31,165 --> 01:34:32,865
I-gave-to-him-my-love.

2553
01:34:35,920 --> 01:34:38,170
- Is she almost finished?

2554
01:34:38,464 --> 01:34:39,594
- I don't know.

2555
01:34:39,882 --> 01:34:40,802
- I'm on next.

2556
01:34:41,092 --> 01:34:41,882
- Fantastic.

2557
01:34:43,302 --> 01:34:44,722
- Prepare for greatness.

2558
01:34:45,012 --> 01:34:46,102
- All set.

2559
01:34:46,389 --> 01:34:47,469
- [Female Comedian] Thank you.

2560
01:34:47,765 --> 01:34:49,465
- You know what I like to do sometimes?

2561
01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:50,677
I like to piss off Iranians.

2562
01:34:50,976 --> 01:34:51,516
I like to piss off

2563
01:34:51,811 --> 01:34:52,351
Middle Eastern people.

2564
01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:54,515
It's called punk terrorism,

2565
01:34:54,814 --> 01:34:55,364
and what I do, right,

2566
01:34:55,648 --> 01:34:57,358
is I go downtown to carpet stores,

2567
01:34:57,650 --> 01:35:00,150
and I walk into the place and I say

2568
01:35:00,444 --> 01:35:01,494
"Hi, I want carpet,

2569
01:35:01,779 --> 01:35:03,569
"but I don't have the square footage."

2570
01:35:03,864 --> 01:35:05,744
An Iranian guy will say

2571
01:35:06,033 --> 01:35:07,663
"You don't want carpet

2572
01:35:09,578 --> 01:35:11,408
"you want an area rug."

2573
01:35:14,125 --> 01:35:15,035
And I say "No, I don't want

2574
01:35:15,334 --> 01:35:16,294
"an area rug."

2575
01:35:17,670 --> 01:35:18,630
These people are like

2576
01:35:18,921 --> 01:35:19,591
newly-bom bald eagles.

2577
01:35:19,880 --> 01:35:22,260
You know, it's like "area rug."

2578
01:35:27,722 --> 01:35:29,262
- ♫ It don't mean a thing

2579
01:35:29,557 --> 01:35:31,767
♫ If it ain't got that swing

2580
01:35:32,059 --> 01:35:33,019
♫ Do-wha-do-wha Do-wha-do-wha

2581
01:35:33,310 --> 01:35:36,230
♫ Do-wha-do-Wha Do-wha-do-wha

2582
01:35:36,522 --> 01:35:37,902
- Have you seen Mister Ball?

2583
01:35:38,190 --> 01:35:39,940
We can't find him up here.

2584
01:35:40,234 --> 01:35:41,284
- He's not down here.

2585
01:35:41,569 --> 01:35:42,279
- Well, somebody better find him.

2586
01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:44,700
He's about to miss his spot.

2587
01:35:46,615 --> 01:35:47,525
- Let's do a Mary.

2588
01:35:47,825 --> 01:35:48,615
♫ Mary, Mary, Bo Berry

2589
01:35:48,909 --> 01:35:49,529
♫ Banana Fanna fo Ferry

2590
01:35:49,827 --> 01:35:51,827
♫ Fee Fi Mo Airy, Mary

2591
01:35:52,121 --> 01:35:53,371
A little trick with Jesus.

2592
01:35:53,664 --> 01:35:54,334
♫ Jesus, Jesus Bo Besus

2593
01:35:54,623 --> 01:35:55,623
♫ Banana Fanna fo Jesus

2594
01:35:55,916 --> 01:35:58,126
♫ Fee Fi Mo Besus, Jesus

2595
01:35:58,419 --> 01:36:00,459
Let's do Pope John Paul.

2596
01:36:00,755 --> 01:36:02,505
(knocking)

2597
01:36:02,798 --> 01:36:04,008
- Hello.

2598
01:36:04,300 --> 01:36:05,760
Is anybody in there?

2599
01:36:09,638 --> 01:36:10,348
Mister Ball?

2600
01:36:10,639 --> 01:36:13,889
- [Mister Ball] This is the men's room.

2601
01:36:14,185 --> 01:36:15,765
- Are you all right?

2602
01:36:16,061 --> 01:36:16,941
- I can't do it.

2603
01:36:17,229 --> 01:36:19,229
- Yes, you can, you're up.

2604
01:36:19,523 --> 01:36:20,113
- I'm gonna puke.

2605
01:36:20,399 --> 01:36:21,519
- Take a deep breath.

2606
01:36:21,817 --> 01:36:22,567
- They're gonna hate me.

2607
01:36:22,860 --> 01:36:23,820
- They're gonna love you.

2608
01:36:24,111 --> 01:36:24,901
- They always hate me.

2609
01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:26,356
- You're gonna turn it around tonight,

2610
01:36:26,655 --> 01:36:27,565
Mister Ball.

2611
01:36:27,865 --> 01:36:28,355
- You think so?

2612
01:36:28,657 --> 01:36:29,277
- Yes, I do, I think so.

2613
01:36:29,575 --> 01:36:30,985
I feel it, I really feel it.

2614
01:36:31,285 --> 01:36:31,825
Now come on,

2615
01:36:32,119 --> 01:36:33,369
you have to do it for your students.

2616
01:36:33,662 --> 01:36:34,202
- I got to do it for them.

2617
01:36:34,497 --> 01:36:35,867
- You got to do it for
the History Department.

2618
01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:37,035
- For the History
Department I got to do it.

2619
01:36:37,333 --> 01:36:37,833
- Come on, you can do it.

2620
01:36:38,125 --> 01:36:38,665
Get out there,

2621
01:36:38,959 --> 01:36:39,669
get on that stage, and kill.

2622
01:36:39,960 --> 01:36:40,500
- I'll try.

2623
01:36:40,795 --> 01:36:41,335
- You'll try, you'll do it.

2624
01:36:41,629 --> 01:36:42,299
- Did you notice my wife out there?

2625
01:36:42,588 --> 01:36:43,298
- I did, I did, she's sitting there.

2626
01:36:43,589 --> 01:36:44,879
She looks great, she's got a good seat.

2627
01:36:45,174 --> 01:36:46,344
You look wonderful.

2628
01:36:46,634 --> 01:36:47,384
- [Mister Ball] Thanks, you like the suit?

2629
01:36:47,676 --> 01:36:48,216
- Yes, very much.

2630
01:36:48,511 --> 01:36:50,971
- [Mister Ball] It's reversible.

2631
01:36:56,018 --> 01:36:56,768
- Billy?

2632
01:36:58,896 --> 01:36:59,556
- I love travelling

2633
01:36:59,855 --> 01:37:00,515
because when you travel

2634
01:37:00,815 --> 01:37:01,645
you see a lot of history.

2635
01:37:01,941 --> 01:37:03,441
I went to France.

2636
01:37:03,734 --> 01:37:04,614
France, you have to know

2637
01:37:04,902 --> 01:37:05,442
the language when you go there,

2638
01:37:05,736 --> 01:37:06,776
otherwise, they don't like you.

2639
01:37:07,071 --> 01:37:08,111
So I bought these tapes,

2640
01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:08,945
where you learn

2641
01:37:09,240 --> 01:37:10,370
the language while you sleep,

2642
01:37:10,658 --> 01:37:11,198
but there was something

2643
01:37:11,492 --> 01:37:12,282
wrong with my tape.

2644
01:37:12,576 --> 01:37:13,236
Halfway through

2645
01:37:13,536 --> 01:37:15,946
it went into disco music.

2646
01:37:16,247 --> 01:37:17,957
I didn't know this 'til I got there.

2647
01:37:18,249 --> 01:37:18,999
I get off the plane, somebody goes,

2648
01:37:19,291 --> 01:37:20,381
Parlez-vous francais?

2649
01:37:20,668 --> 01:37:23,628
I went Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.

2650
01:37:24,880 --> 01:37:25,880
I looked around,

2651
01:37:26,173 --> 01:37:27,263
and then I went to Canada

2652
01:37:27,550 --> 01:37:28,930
- Steven, Steven,

2653
01:37:29,218 --> 01:37:29,758
something's wrong with Billy.

2654
01:37:30,052 --> 01:37:30,592
- [Mister Ball] Canada they want to be

2655
01:37:30,886 --> 01:37:32,046
so much like America,

2656
01:37:32,346 --> 01:37:32,886
but they have different rules,

2657
01:37:33,180 --> 01:37:35,060
and regulations up there.

2658
01:37:37,226 --> 01:37:38,346
- [Steven] Is there any

2659
01:37:38,644 --> 01:37:40,104
pressure right here?

2660
01:37:41,146 --> 01:37:42,396
- No.

2661
01:37:42,690 --> 01:37:43,360
- [Steven] Is there any sensation

2662
01:37:43,649 --> 01:37:44,189
in this arm,

2663
01:37:44,483 --> 01:37:46,363
or numbness in the left hand?

2664
01:37:46,652 --> 01:37:47,532
- [Billy] No.

2665
01:37:49,154 --> 01:37:50,244
- Is your stomach queasy?

2666
01:37:50,531 --> 01:37:52,241
Do you have a headache?

2667
01:37:53,742 --> 01:37:54,492
- [Billy] No.

2668
01:37:54,785 --> 01:37:56,655
- Are you taking any medication?

2669
01:37:56,954 --> 01:37:58,004
- [Billy] None.

2670
01:37:59,707 --> 01:38:02,627
- Seen any bad TV shows or anything?

2671
01:38:03,752 --> 01:38:04,882
Okay, is there any pain

2672
01:38:05,170 --> 01:38:06,170
when you breathe?

2673
01:38:06,463 --> 01:38:07,093
Any pain there?

2674
01:38:07,381 --> 01:38:07,921
Any pain when I lift

2675
01:38:08,215 --> 01:38:09,835
your arm up like this?

2676
01:38:11,510 --> 01:38:14,010
- I don't have any pain.

2677
01:38:14,305 --> 01:38:15,965
You didn't have to come down here.

2678
01:38:16,265 --> 01:38:16,965
- Is there someone

2679
01:38:17,266 --> 01:38:19,096
who can take you home tonight?

2680
01:38:19,393 --> 01:38:20,603
- I'm gonna stay.

2681
01:38:21,729 --> 01:38:23,559
I want to see who wins.

2682
01:38:26,609 --> 01:38:28,069
- It's not a heart attack.

2683
01:38:28,360 --> 01:38:30,400
You got a rock-steady pulse.

2684
01:38:30,696 --> 01:38:31,236
- I'm fine.

2685
01:38:31,530 --> 01:38:33,570
- Okay, you'll be all right down here?

2686
01:38:33,866 --> 01:38:36,236
Okay, just relax, take it easy.

2687
01:38:37,661 --> 01:38:40,911
- You know, it's a great feeling to win.

2688
01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:45,875
I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.

2689
01:38:47,171 --> 01:38:49,091
It was bigger than this.

2690
01:38:50,215 --> 01:38:53,005
I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.

2691
01:38:53,302 --> 01:38:54,432
Ever hear of it?

2692
01:38:56,430 --> 01:38:58,560
It was bigger than Carson.

2693
01:38:58,849 --> 01:38:59,469
Bigger.

2694
01:39:01,393 --> 01:39:02,143
Any day.

2695
01:39:18,243 --> 01:39:19,203
- I have to tell this right off, folks.

2696
01:39:19,495 --> 01:39:21,445
I have a drinking problem.

2697
01:39:21,747 --> 01:39:22,287
I've been drinking like

2698
01:39:22,581 --> 01:39:23,791
a fish all night.

2699
01:39:25,668 --> 01:39:27,838
(laughter)

2700
01:39:31,924 --> 01:39:32,844
Here's my impression

2701
01:39:33,133 --> 01:39:34,303
of a dentist appointment.

2702
01:39:34,593 --> 01:39:36,393
"This won't hurt a bit."

2703
01:39:38,138 --> 01:39:39,508
- He's good.

2704
01:39:39,807 --> 01:39:42,177
- But not good enough to take me.

2705
01:39:42,476 --> 01:39:43,176
- You're up for it.

2706
01:39:43,477 --> 01:39:44,687
- Oh yeah, I'm going out with a bang.

2707
01:39:44,979 --> 01:39:46,809
I got all new stuff, how about you?

2708
01:39:47,106 --> 01:39:48,976
- Oh, I got some new stuff.

2709
01:39:49,274 --> 01:39:49,824
- Good, get up there,

2710
01:39:50,109 --> 01:39:51,989
and beat me up with it.

2711
01:39:52,277 --> 01:39:53,697
- I'll do the best I can.

2712
01:39:53,988 --> 01:39:55,198
- I'll do better.

2713
01:39:55,489 --> 01:39:56,029
- [Jerry] I know what you

2714
01:39:56,323 --> 01:39:58,033
people want now, jokes!

2715
01:40:00,661 --> 01:40:02,081
- Steven,

2716
01:40:02,371 --> 01:40:03,911
I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.

2717
01:40:04,206 --> 01:40:04,996
- Well, forget about it.

2718
01:40:05,290 --> 01:40:06,750
You're not missing anything.

2719
01:40:07,042 --> 01:40:08,172
I'm a lousy lay.

2720
01:40:09,628 --> 01:40:10,878
- Yeah, so am I.

2721
01:40:11,839 --> 01:40:12,879
- See, we'd have been

2722
01:40:13,173 --> 01:40:14,803
perfect for each other.

2723
01:40:15,092 --> 01:40:16,092
- [Romeo] Jerry Petroviak,

2724
01:40:16,385 --> 01:40:17,925
all right, all right.

2725
01:40:24,852 --> 01:40:25,522
- What?

2726
01:40:25,811 --> 01:40:26,351
- I'm on next.

2727
01:40:26,645 --> 01:40:27,185
- So, take it easy, you'll be fine.

2728
01:40:27,479 --> 01:40:29,559
- [Romeo] Now, this next
lady I told you about.

2729
01:40:29,857 --> 01:40:33,317
- Oh God, I can't remember anything.

2730
01:40:33,610 --> 01:40:34,690
- Why is six afraid of seven?

2731
01:40:34,987 --> 01:40:35,987
- [Romeo] Seriously,
she's one of the really

2732
01:40:36,280 --> 01:40:37,320
promising talents here at

2733
01:40:37,614 --> 01:40:38,164
the Gas Station.

2734
01:40:38,449 --> 01:40:39,369
- Because seven "eight" nine.

2735
01:40:39,658 --> 01:40:40,278
- [Romeo] She's beautiful, she's married.

2736
01:40:40,576 --> 01:40:41,696
- Go kill them.

2737
01:40:41,994 --> 01:40:43,294
- [Romeo] She's the mother that roared.

2738
01:40:43,579 --> 01:40:44,369
Let's have a big hand

2739
01:40:44,663 --> 01:40:46,083
for Lilah Krytsick.

2740
01:40:46,373 --> 01:40:48,173
Come on, Lilah, come on up here.

2741
01:40:48,459 --> 01:40:49,459
- Thanks, Steven.

2742
01:40:49,752 --> 01:40:52,132
(upbeat music)

2743
01:40:53,297 --> 01:40:55,467
(applause)

2744
01:41:11,982 --> 01:41:12,772
Hi.

2745
01:41:13,067 --> 01:41:14,187
- [Audience] Hi.

2746
01:41:15,736 --> 01:41:16,896
- How are you?

2747
01:41:17,196 --> 01:41:18,486
- [Audience] Fine.

2748
01:41:19,865 --> 01:41:22,075
- Hi.

2749
01:41:22,367 --> 01:41:22,947
- [Lilah] What's your name?

2750
01:41:23,243 --> 01:41:23,793
- Mark.

2751
01:41:24,078 --> 01:41:25,788
- Mark, are you married?

2752
01:41:26,080 --> 01:41:27,460
- [Mark] Yes, yes, this is my wife.

2753
01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:29,788
- [Lilah] How long have you been married?

2754
01:41:30,084 --> 01:41:30,884
- [Mark] Six months.

2755
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:31,958
- Six months?

2756
01:41:32,252 --> 01:41:33,002
- [Mark] Too long.

2757
01:41:33,295 --> 01:41:34,375
- Too long?

2758
01:41:34,671 --> 01:41:36,591
Now listen, you shouldn't laugh.

2759
01:41:36,882 --> 01:41:38,472
It's very difficult, it honestly is.

2760
01:41:38,759 --> 01:41:39,969
I mean, we all know this.

2761
01:41:40,260 --> 01:41:41,930
You're never on solid ground.

2762
01:41:42,221 --> 01:41:44,141
I've been married to my husband

2763
01:41:44,431 --> 01:41:45,101
for 15 years.

2764
01:41:45,390 --> 01:41:46,020
Sometimes, he comes home,

2765
01:41:46,308 --> 01:41:47,058
and I look at him and say

2766
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:48,181
"Who is this man?

2767
01:41:48,477 --> 01:41:49,097
"How did he get in my house?

2768
01:41:49,394 --> 01:41:51,694
"I've never seen him before in my life."

2769
01:41:51,980 --> 01:41:53,900
And other times our identities meld,

2770
01:41:54,191 --> 01:41:56,821
you know, I itch, he scratches,

2771
01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:58,071
I feel better.

2772
01:41:59,446 --> 01:42:00,906
I mean, I don't know where

2773
01:42:01,198 --> 01:42:02,568
he ends and I begin

2774
01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:04,534
except in bed

2775
01:42:06,495 --> 01:42:07,495
when he's usually ending,

2776
01:42:07,788 --> 01:42:09,158
just when I'm beginning.

2777
01:42:09,456 --> 01:42:11,496
(laughter)

2778
01:42:14,753 --> 01:42:15,923
You know, the thing is,

2779
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:18,463
before we were married

2780
01:42:18,757 --> 01:42:21,507
when we used to, you know, make love,

2781
01:42:21,802 --> 01:42:23,142
he would say to me

2782
01:42:23,428 --> 01:42:25,298
"Oh, sweetheart, goddamn,

2783
01:42:26,515 --> 01:42:28,305
"you feel so good.

2784
01:42:28,600 --> 01:42:30,390
"You're so beautiful.

2785
01:42:30,686 --> 01:42:32,226
"I love you so much."

2786
01:42:33,230 --> 01:42:35,610
And now he says "Move your head,

2787
01:42:35,899 --> 01:42:36,939
"I can't see the screen."

2788
01:42:37,234 --> 01:42:39,284
(laughter)

2789
01:42:40,821 --> 01:42:41,701
Before we were married,

2790
01:42:41,989 --> 01:42:45,279
my husband John he always used to go.

2791
01:42:45,576 --> 01:42:49,196
And he used to go.

2792
01:42:52,374 --> 01:42:54,004
And now he just goes.

2793
01:42:55,252 --> 01:42:57,382
(laughter)

2794
01:42:58,797 --> 01:43:00,797
Truly, honestly, I think that men

2795
01:43:01,091 --> 01:43:04,051
have it very, very hard today, you do.

2796
01:43:05,429 --> 01:43:07,309
Not when you need it, but.

2797
01:43:07,598 --> 01:43:09,638
(laughter)

2798
01:43:12,728 --> 01:43:13,478
I'm sorry.

2799
01:43:16,106 --> 01:43:18,266
I mean, it's hard, no.

2800
01:43:18,567 --> 01:43:20,607
(laughter)

2801
01:43:22,779 --> 01:43:25,779
You're doing this to me, now come on.

2802
01:43:27,159 --> 01:43:28,029
I mean, really, it's a difficult

2803
01:43:28,327 --> 01:43:30,407
situation for men, it really is.

2804
01:43:30,704 --> 01:43:31,254
I mean, it's like women

2805
01:43:31,538 --> 01:43:32,618
have gotten to the point where

2806
01:43:32,915 --> 01:43:34,575
they almost don't need men anymore.

2807
01:43:34,875 --> 01:43:37,665
I mean, you know, there's like these

2808
01:43:37,961 --> 01:43:39,171
mechanical items.

2809
01:43:40,255 --> 01:43:41,915
You know what I mean?

2810
01:43:43,091 --> 01:43:44,221
You know what I mean.

2811
01:43:44,509 --> 01:43:46,639
You use one of these things?

2812
01:43:47,638 --> 01:43:48,468
Oh, my, not for me.

2813
01:43:48,764 --> 01:43:50,354
Honestly, no offense.

2814
01:43:50,641 --> 01:43:52,101
God bless, go to it.

2815
01:43:53,977 --> 01:43:55,017
It scares me, it really does.

2816
01:43:55,312 --> 01:43:56,602
It really, really frightens me.

2817
01:43:56,897 --> 01:43:59,067
I don't think that I want to be intimate

2818
01:43:59,358 --> 01:43:59,898
with anything that has

2819
01:44:00,192 --> 01:44:01,692
Panasonic written on it.

2820
01:44:01,985 --> 01:44:04,025
(laughter)

2821
01:44:13,163 --> 01:44:14,003
I'm telling you,

2822
01:44:14,289 --> 01:44:15,209
we have nothing to judge from.

2823
01:44:15,499 --> 01:44:16,499
All the way back in history

2824
01:44:16,792 --> 01:44:18,212
I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.

2825
01:44:18,502 --> 01:44:19,422
I'm sure of it.

2826
01:44:19,711 --> 01:44:20,591
I'm sure that

2827
01:44:21,630 --> 01:44:24,050
Adam was an insensitive lover.

2828
01:44:26,593 --> 01:44:28,013
He kept referring to their lovemaking

2829
01:44:28,303 --> 01:44:29,763
as getting some rib.

2830
01:44:33,100 --> 01:44:33,930
He had no clue

2831
01:44:34,226 --> 01:44:35,016
what he was doing this man.

2832
01:44:35,310 --> 01:44:36,440
He was completely lost.

2833
01:44:36,728 --> 01:44:37,398
One of the first things

2834
01:44:37,688 --> 01:44:38,348
he said to Eve was

2835
01:44:38,647 --> 01:44:39,517
"Stand back, darling,

2836
01:44:39,815 --> 01:44:41,855
"I don't know how big this thing gets."

2837
01:44:42,150 --> 01:44:44,190
(laughter)

2838
01:44:52,160 --> 01:44:53,790
Thanks, thank you.

2839
01:44:54,079 --> 01:44:54,659
- You okay?

2840
01:44:54,955 --> 01:44:55,575
- Yeah.

2841
01:44:56,790 --> 01:44:57,460
- She did good, huh?

2842
01:44:57,749 --> 01:44:58,289
- Uh-hmm.

2843
01:44:58,583 --> 01:44:59,293
- [Lilah] God, you know what?

2844
01:44:59,584 --> 01:45:00,384
I feel so much better.

2845
01:45:00,669 --> 01:45:03,459
I can't thank you enough, thank you.

2846
01:45:04,506 --> 01:45:05,166
Thank you.

2847
01:45:05,465 --> 01:45:07,505
(applause)

2848
01:45:09,886 --> 01:45:12,636
- Let's hear it for Lilah Krytsick.

2849
01:45:12,931 --> 01:45:13,561
All right.

2850
01:45:14,891 --> 01:45:17,981
Incredible, fabulous, Lilah, fabulous.

2851
01:45:20,772 --> 01:45:21,522
Now this next comedian

2852
01:45:21,815 --> 01:45:23,515
has been waiting longer than you have.

2853
01:45:23,817 --> 01:45:24,357
- Go kill them, Steven.

2854
01:45:24,651 --> 01:45:25,191
- You didn't make it easy.

2855
01:45:25,485 --> 01:45:26,025
- [Romeo] It's worth the wait.

2856
01:45:26,320 --> 01:45:26,860
- I think you can handle it.

2857
01:45:27,154 --> 01:45:27,704
- Just watch me.

2858
01:45:27,988 --> 01:45:31,278
- [Romeo] Ladies and
gentlemen, Steven Gold.

2859
01:45:31,575 --> 01:45:33,025
Let's hear it for Steven Gold.

2860
01:45:33,327 --> 01:45:34,827
(upbeat music)

2861
01:45:35,120 --> 01:45:36,870
(applause)

2862
01:45:37,164 --> 01:45:37,964
- Thank you.

2863
01:45:40,876 --> 01:45:42,246
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

2864
01:45:42,544 --> 01:45:43,174
Oh, great.

2865
01:45:44,463 --> 01:45:45,213
Great!

2866
01:45:46,715 --> 01:45:47,465
I blew it already.

2867
01:45:47,758 --> 01:45:49,928
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

2868
01:45:50,218 --> 01:45:51,138
Now can you get any more trite,

2869
01:45:51,428 --> 01:45:52,298
or boring than that?

2870
01:45:52,596 --> 01:45:53,546
I don't think so.

2871
01:45:53,847 --> 01:45:54,467
Here I am,

2872
01:45:55,599 --> 01:45:57,429
trying to impress these

2873
01:45:59,061 --> 01:45:59,811
judges,

2874
01:46:01,396 --> 01:46:03,186
and I start with the oldest phrase

2875
01:46:03,482 --> 01:46:04,442
in the history of showbiz.

2876
01:46:04,733 --> 01:46:05,363
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

2877
01:46:05,650 --> 01:46:07,230
Something completely forgettable

2878
01:46:07,527 --> 01:46:10,197
when I'm trying to do is be

2879
01:46:10,489 --> 01:46:12,409
remembered up here.

2880
01:46:12,699 --> 01:46:14,239
How about these judges, huh?

2881
01:46:14,534 --> 01:46:16,624
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

2882
01:46:16,912 --> 01:46:19,292
I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!

2883
01:46:21,249 --> 01:46:22,419
Why don't we get to know

2884
01:46:22,709 --> 01:46:24,499
our judges personally, shall we?

2885
01:46:24,795 --> 01:46:26,705
They are Larry, Moe, Curly Joe.

2886
01:46:27,005 --> 01:46:27,545
I'm kidding around.

2887
01:46:27,839 --> 01:46:29,089
Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo.

2888
01:46:29,383 --> 01:46:30,593
All right, all right, cut it out.

2889
01:46:30,884 --> 01:46:32,134
Fred, Wilma, Barney.

2890
01:46:32,427 --> 01:46:33,467
Will you knock it off?

2891
01:46:33,762 --> 01:46:34,432
I'm funny, okay,

2892
01:46:34,721 --> 01:46:35,851
Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.

2893
01:46:36,139 --> 01:46:37,929
Hey, all right, they are

2894
01:46:39,768 --> 01:46:41,808
some well-dressed guy.

2895
01:46:42,104 --> 01:46:42,654
Next to him his homosexual

2896
01:46:42,938 --> 01:46:43,978
Svengali lover.

2897
01:46:45,399 --> 01:46:46,149
A woman.

2898
01:46:48,985 --> 01:46:50,525
Some guy who got thrown out of radio.

2899
01:46:50,821 --> 01:46:52,201
Is that the lowest?

2900
01:46:53,198 --> 01:46:54,658
And, finally, of course, Robyn Green.

2901
01:46:54,950 --> 01:46:56,490
Robyn Green, when he appeared

2902
01:46:56,785 --> 01:46:57,445
right here, right here

2903
01:46:57,744 --> 01:46:58,294
on this very stage.

2904
01:46:58,578 --> 01:46:59,578
Right here on this very stage,

2905
01:46:59,871 --> 01:47:00,831
and what he did,

2906
01:47:01,123 --> 01:47:01,713
Robyn would be introduced

2907
01:47:01,998 --> 01:47:02,998
ladies and gentlemen,

2908
01:47:03,291 --> 01:47:05,541
the comedy stylings of Robyn Green.

2909
01:47:05,836 --> 01:47:08,376
Comedy stylings, what did that mean?

2910
01:47:08,672 --> 01:47:09,882
Like, he's not a dermatologist.

2911
01:47:10,173 --> 01:47:11,633
He's a skin stylist.

2912
01:47:13,802 --> 01:47:16,392
Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.

2913
01:47:16,680 --> 01:47:18,510
Not a barber, but a barb stylist.

2914
01:47:18,807 --> 01:47:19,847
A hair stylist.

2915
01:47:21,268 --> 01:47:22,938
Well, a hair stylist.

2916
01:47:25,480 --> 01:47:28,400
I guess that would be right.

2917
01:47:28,692 --> 01:47:29,282
Who wants to be a comedian

2918
01:47:29,568 --> 01:47:30,108
these days anyway?

2919
01:47:30,402 --> 01:47:30,942
When I was a kid,

2920
01:47:31,236 --> 01:47:31,986
I wanted to be a superhero.

2921
01:47:32,279 --> 01:47:34,319
I wanted to live in a super fortress.

2922
01:47:34,614 --> 01:47:35,914
Even though some of these superheroes

2923
01:47:36,199 --> 01:47:37,369
have pretty jive superpowers

2924
01:47:37,659 --> 01:47:38,779
like Aqua Man.

2925
01:47:39,077 --> 01:47:39,907
Aqua Man can breathe

2926
01:47:40,203 --> 01:47:41,453
underwater and talk to fish.

2927
01:47:41,746 --> 01:47:42,616
These are superpowers?

2928
01:47:42,914 --> 01:47:43,464
Wonder Woman?

2929
01:47:43,748 --> 01:47:46,458
Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.

2930
01:47:47,502 --> 01:47:49,552
How did she find it?

2931
01:47:49,838 --> 01:47:50,878
She stumbled around the runway

2932
01:47:51,173 --> 01:47:51,803
until she got lucky?

2933
01:47:52,090 --> 01:47:53,260
"Oh, here it is."

2934
01:47:53,550 --> 01:47:54,630
What did the control tower tell her?

2935
01:47:54,926 --> 01:47:57,006
"We think you have clearance."

2936
01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,684
Can anybody be a superhero?

2937
01:47:58,972 --> 01:47:59,602
Table Man.

2938
01:48:01,391 --> 01:48:03,851
He solves crimes at dinner for four.

2939
01:48:04,144 --> 01:48:05,644
The Motorcycle Guy.

2940
01:48:05,937 --> 01:48:08,977
His helmet has secret compartments.

2941
01:48:09,274 --> 01:48:12,324
Big Lady, criminals flee, who wouldn't?

2942
01:48:14,613 --> 01:48:16,163
New York City cab drivers are required

2943
01:48:16,448 --> 01:48:17,988
to have chauffeurs' licenses.

2944
01:48:18,283 --> 01:48:19,163
Now, what is the point of this?

2945
01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:21,161
"Stop the honking, stop the honking.

2946
01:48:21,453 --> 01:48:25,123
"I brake for human beings, so shoot me.

2947
01:48:25,415 --> 01:48:27,665
"I can't just run the old lady down.

2948
01:48:27,959 --> 01:48:29,959
"Okay, people, next stop,

2949
01:48:30,253 --> 01:48:32,003
"Empire State Building.

2950
01:48:32,297 --> 01:48:32,837
"You know how to get to

2951
01:48:33,131 --> 01:48:33,711
"Empire State Building?

2952
01:48:34,007 --> 01:48:36,377
"Practice, practice, ha-ha-ha."

2953
01:48:37,802 --> 01:48:39,472
But I don't really hate taxi drivers.

2954
01:48:39,763 --> 01:48:41,143
I don't hate anybody.

2955
01:48:41,431 --> 01:48:42,681
The world is far too

2956
01:48:42,974 --> 01:48:46,144
confusing a place to hate anybody.

2957
01:48:46,436 --> 01:48:47,846
It's like don't even hate that clown

2958
01:48:48,146 --> 01:48:49,056
at the bank who tells me

2959
01:48:49,356 --> 01:48:49,976
I can't cash my cheque

2960
01:48:50,273 --> 01:48:51,073
for 10 working days,

2961
01:48:51,358 --> 01:48:52,728
or that jerk at the supermarket.

2962
01:48:53,026 --> 01:48:54,776
or those idiots on the subway.

2963
01:48:55,070 --> 01:48:55,610
How about these geniuses

2964
01:48:55,904 --> 01:48:57,534
who broke up the phone company, huh?

2965
01:48:57,822 --> 01:48:58,862
Or trendsetters.

2966
01:48:59,157 --> 01:49:00,907
Oh, I don't hate trendsetters.

2967
01:49:01,201 --> 01:49:02,241
People who tell us what is hot,

2968
01:49:02,536 --> 01:49:04,116
and what is not

2969
01:49:04,412 --> 01:49:05,252
Don't tell me what to do!

2970
01:49:05,539 --> 01:49:06,289
I don't hate these trendsetters.

2971
01:49:06,581 --> 01:49:07,291
Don't tell me what to do!

2972
01:49:07,582 --> 01:49:09,002
I'm not wearing bell-bottoms.

2973
01:49:09,292 --> 01:49:10,542
I am not wearing bell-bottoms, again,

2974
01:49:10,835 --> 01:49:12,125
I don't care that the Prince of Morocco

2975
01:49:12,420 --> 01:49:13,460
is wearing bell-bottoms, again.

2976
01:49:13,755 --> 01:49:14,915
I know, he doesn't have to live here.

2977
01:49:15,215 --> 01:49:16,215
I have to live here.

2978
01:49:16,508 --> 01:49:17,548
I don't hate trendsetters,

2979
01:49:17,842 --> 01:49:18,802
or debutantes!

2980
01:49:19,886 --> 01:49:22,466
I don't hate debutantes!

2981
01:49:22,764 --> 01:49:25,474
I don't hate young, rich, white

2982
01:49:25,767 --> 01:49:27,057
female debutantes!

2983
01:49:27,978 --> 01:49:30,898
I don't even care about debutantes.

2984
01:49:31,189 --> 01:49:32,729
They spend $1,000 on their hair.

2985
01:49:33,024 --> 01:49:34,534
So what, they're debutantes.

2986
01:49:34,818 --> 01:49:35,398
They're wearing priceless

2987
01:49:35,694 --> 01:49:36,534
diamond tiaras.

2988
01:49:36,820 --> 01:49:38,650
So what, they're debutantes!

2989
01:49:38,947 --> 01:49:40,357
They have opinions on world hunger.

2990
01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:42,697
Who cares, they're debutantes!

2991
01:49:42,993 --> 01:49:44,743
They're having a coming-out party?

2992
01:49:45,036 --> 01:49:46,746
They're coming out of a Rolls Royce.

2993
01:49:47,038 --> 01:49:48,578
What does this have to do

2994
01:49:48,873 --> 01:49:51,213
with life as we know it?

2995
01:49:51,501 --> 01:49:53,461
I don't hate debutantes!

2996
01:49:53,753 --> 01:49:55,803
(applause)

2997
01:50:09,519 --> 01:50:11,189
I don't hate anybody.

2998
01:50:12,355 --> 01:50:14,105
I'm not a hate-monger.

2999
01:50:15,066 --> 01:50:17,436
I'm more of a hate-stylist, if you will.

3000
01:50:17,736 --> 01:50:19,646
Thank you very much.

3001
01:50:19,946 --> 01:50:22,906
(cheers and applause)

3002
01:50:26,786 --> 01:50:31,576
Thank you.

3003
01:50:31,875 --> 01:50:34,245
(upbeat music)

3004
01:50:36,755 --> 01:50:38,165
- Bravo!

3005
01:50:38,465 --> 01:50:40,255
The demented world of Steven Gold.

3006
01:50:40,550 --> 01:50:41,380
Ladies and gentlemen,

3007
01:50:41,676 --> 01:50:43,926
let's have a hand for Steven Gold.

3008
01:50:44,220 --> 01:50:44,760
How about a hand for

3009
01:50:45,055 --> 01:50:45,635
the rest of the performers

3010
01:50:45,930 --> 01:50:48,310
we heard here tonight, huh?

3011
01:50:48,600 --> 01:50:49,310
- Good stuff.

3012
01:50:49,601 --> 01:50:50,391
- Thanks, give me a drink.

3013
01:50:50,685 --> 01:50:52,725
- Darling, you were wonderful.

3014
01:50:53,021 --> 01:50:54,021
- [Female] You were great.

3015
01:50:54,314 --> 01:50:54,864
- [Steven] Thank you.

3016
01:50:55,148 --> 01:50:55,688
- Very convincing, very powerful,

3017
01:50:55,982 --> 01:50:56,942
very Shaka Zulu.

3018
01:50:57,233 --> 01:50:58,193
- Steve, thank you.

3019
01:50:58,485 --> 01:50:59,645
- Steven, you were great.

3020
01:50:59,944 --> 01:51:00,494
- Do you really think so?

3021
01:51:00,779 --> 01:51:01,319
- Absolutely.

3022
01:51:01,613 --> 01:51:02,743
- It was do or die tonight.

3023
01:51:03,031 --> 01:51:03,611
- All right, you guys,

3024
01:51:03,907 --> 01:51:04,657
let's take it downstairs, huh?

3025
01:51:04,949 --> 01:51:06,029
Come on, take it downstairs.

3026
01:51:06,326 --> 01:51:06,866
- We're gonna wait for

3027
01:51:07,160 --> 01:51:08,330
about five minutes while this

3028
01:51:08,620 --> 01:51:09,620
distinguished panel of judges

3029
01:51:09,913 --> 01:51:11,083
makes up its mind.

3030
01:51:11,373 --> 01:51:12,503
In the meantime,

3031
01:51:12,791 --> 01:51:13,711
to make it easier for you all

3032
01:51:14,000 --> 01:51:16,460
have a drink on the house, okay?

3033
01:51:29,224 --> 01:51:29,974
- Lilah.

3034
01:51:54,457 --> 01:51:55,917
- It's just personal,

3035
01:51:56,209 --> 01:51:57,749
it's from my husband.

3036
01:52:01,131 --> 01:52:03,631
(upbeat music)

3037
01:52:13,935 --> 01:52:17,055
- Okay, everybody, this is it.

3038
01:52:17,355 --> 01:52:20,515
Now, I want to tell you one thing.

3039
01:52:20,817 --> 01:52:22,987
There are no losers here tonight.

3040
01:52:23,278 --> 01:52:24,738
You're all winners.

3041
01:52:25,029 --> 01:52:25,569
Whoever they chose,

3042
01:52:25,864 --> 01:52:28,074
they chose because they chose,

3043
01:52:28,366 --> 01:52:30,026
and they changed their minds three times.

3044
01:52:30,326 --> 01:52:30,986
You know why?

3045
01:52:31,286 --> 01:52:33,996
- Cut to the chase, Romeo, who won?

3046
01:52:34,289 --> 01:52:34,829
- I can't tell you.

3047
01:52:35,123 --> 01:52:36,123
That's what I'm trying to tell you.

3048
01:52:36,416 --> 01:52:37,036
They want you all on stage,

3049
01:52:37,333 --> 01:52:38,213
so they can get a real reaction

3050
01:52:38,501 --> 01:52:39,751
when they announce the winner.

3051
01:52:40,044 --> 01:52:41,464
- Man, what is this shit?

3052
01:52:41,755 --> 01:52:42,295
- [Male] They want to see

3053
01:52:42,589 --> 01:52:43,509
the losers, man.

3054
01:52:43,798 --> 01:52:44,508
- Just send the winner up.

3055
01:52:44,799 --> 01:52:45,339
- It's their show.

3056
01:52:45,633 --> 01:52:46,513
They want it to be a surprise.

3057
01:52:46,801 --> 01:52:47,471
- Yeah, big surprise, come on,

3058
01:52:47,761 --> 01:52:48,841
we all know who won.

3059
01:52:49,137 --> 01:52:49,967
- Oh, yeah, who won?

3060
01:52:50,263 --> 01:52:50,853
- Steven.

3061
01:52:51,139 --> 01:52:53,269
- Wrong, Steven didn't win.

3062
01:52:53,558 --> 01:52:56,438
Don't tell me there are no surprises.

3063
01:52:57,479 --> 01:52:58,939
Steven, I'm sorry.

3064
01:52:59,230 --> 01:52:59,940
You wanted me to cut to the chase.

3065
01:53:00,231 --> 01:53:01,151
I'm cutting to the chase.

3066
01:53:01,441 --> 01:53:02,981
It's anybody's ballgame.

3067
01:53:03,276 --> 01:53:04,936
Now, I'd like you to line up here.

3068
01:53:05,236 --> 01:53:08,276
Steven, I'd like you to set an example.

3069
01:53:10,784 --> 01:53:12,124
- Why didn't Steven win?

3070
01:53:12,410 --> 01:53:13,330
- Because somebody else won.

3071
01:53:13,620 --> 01:53:14,160
- [Lilah] But we all saw it.

3072
01:53:14,454 --> 01:53:15,164
He had the best set.

3073
01:53:15,455 --> 01:53:16,955
- No, he had the second best set.

3074
01:53:17,248 --> 01:53:18,748
He got two votes of the five.

3075
01:53:19,042 --> 01:53:20,542
Someone else got the other three.

3076
01:53:20,835 --> 01:53:22,165
Now, look, don't embarrass me please.

3077
01:53:22,462 --> 01:53:23,712
I promised them that

3078
01:53:24,005 --> 01:53:24,755
I would have you all back on stage

3079
01:53:25,048 --> 01:53:26,338
before I announced who the winner was.

3080
01:53:26,633 --> 01:53:27,173
Now, come on,

3081
01:53:27,467 --> 01:53:28,007
anybody who does not get on that

3082
01:53:28,301 --> 01:53:31,091
staircase right now is disqualified.

3083
01:53:32,055 --> 01:53:32,805
I mean it!

3084
01:53:34,182 --> 01:53:35,812
- Did Steven really come in second?

3085
01:53:36,100 --> 01:53:37,890
- That's what I said.

3086
01:53:38,186 --> 01:53:40,436
- Then I'm out, disqualify me.

3087
01:53:40,730 --> 01:53:42,150
- Lilah, come on, what are you doing?

3088
01:53:42,440 --> 01:53:43,860
Really, what is she doing?

3089
01:53:44,150 --> 01:53:46,900
- Just in case I won, it's Steven's.

3090
01:53:48,738 --> 01:53:49,568
- What's she doing?

3091
01:53:49,864 --> 01:53:50,704
What are you doing?

3092
01:53:50,990 --> 01:53:51,990
- I'm going home.

3093
01:53:52,283 --> 01:53:53,163
Eve, would you please tell

3094
01:53:53,451 --> 01:53:54,991
my husband to meet me out front?

3095
01:53:55,286 --> 01:53:56,906
- Wait, please, Lilah.

3096
01:53:57,872 --> 01:53:59,332
- I'm out, too.

3097
01:53:59,624 --> 01:54:00,254
- Me, too.

3098
01:54:00,542 --> 01:54:02,582
- I'm in, I'm still in.

3099
01:54:02,877 --> 01:54:03,497
- Lilah,

3100
01:54:05,421 --> 01:54:06,341
you did win.

3101
01:54:15,014 --> 01:54:17,524
Makes a difference, doesn't it?

3102
01:54:20,895 --> 01:54:22,395
- I really did win?

3103
01:54:23,356 --> 01:54:24,146
- Yes, you got three

3104
01:54:24,440 --> 01:54:25,690
out of the five votes.

3105
01:54:25,984 --> 01:54:26,534
The guy with the gray hair

3106
01:54:26,818 --> 01:54:28,278
was crazy about you.

3107
01:54:31,239 --> 01:54:31,989
- Yeah.

3108
01:54:33,283 --> 01:54:35,033
It makes a difference.

3109
01:54:40,874 --> 01:54:42,374
See you later, guys.

3110
01:54:42,667 --> 01:54:44,327
- Lilah, don't do this.

3111
01:54:44,627 --> 01:54:45,877
- Listen to Steven.

3112
01:54:46,170 --> 01:54:46,800
Do you think they're gonna give it

3113
01:54:47,088 --> 01:54:49,338
to him just 'cause you walked out?

3114
01:54:49,632 --> 01:54:51,132
No, three of those judges

3115
01:54:51,426 --> 01:54:52,426
didn't even like him.

3116
01:54:52,719 --> 01:54:54,089
They were offended by him.

3117
01:54:54,387 --> 01:54:54,927
They're gonna re-vote,

3118
01:54:55,221 --> 01:54:55,761
and they're gonna give it

3119
01:54:56,055 --> 01:54:56,715
to somebody else,

3120
01:54:57,015 --> 01:54:58,055
and even if they did give it to him,

3121
01:54:58,349 --> 01:54:59,639
do you think he's gonna be grateful?

3122
01:54:59,934 --> 01:55:01,064
10 years from now when

3123
01:55:01,352 --> 01:55:02,232
you're sitting in your station wagon

3124
01:55:02,520 --> 01:55:03,190
outside some school

3125
01:55:03,479 --> 01:55:04,019
with curlers in your hair,

3126
01:55:04,314 --> 01:55:04,864
and groceries in the backseat

3127
01:55:05,148 --> 01:55:06,978
are you gonna hear from him?

3128
01:55:07,275 --> 01:55:09,185
Not even a postcard.

3129
01:55:09,485 --> 01:55:10,025
Or any of these others

3130
01:55:10,320 --> 01:55:10,860
who'll get it because

3131
01:55:11,154 --> 01:55:13,914
you walked out tonight, forget it.

3132
01:55:14,198 --> 01:55:17,198
Come on, you won the brass ring.

3133
01:55:17,493 --> 01:55:18,453
Come claim it.

3134
01:55:27,837 --> 01:55:28,917
- That a girl.

3135
01:55:30,256 --> 01:55:31,756
That's my showgirl.

3136
01:55:32,800 --> 01:55:34,550
See?

3137
01:55:39,933 --> 01:55:41,523
- I forgot my purse.

3138
01:55:56,449 --> 01:55:57,319
- Hey, you want to work

3139
01:55:57,617 --> 01:55:58,777
in this club again?

3140
01:55:59,077 --> 01:56:00,617
- [Lilah] Yeah, I do.

3141
01:56:04,123 --> 01:56:05,333
- Nuts.

3142
01:56:05,625 --> 01:56:08,665
You're all a bunch of fuckin' nuts.

3143
01:56:08,962 --> 01:56:11,002
(drumroll)

3144
01:56:22,767 --> 01:56:23,517
- John.

3145
01:56:25,311 --> 01:56:26,481
- [John] Lilah.

3146
01:56:27,480 --> 01:56:28,480
- [Lilah] Hi.

3147
01:56:32,443 --> 01:56:33,363
- Lost, huh?

3148
01:56:36,698 --> 01:56:37,448
- I won.

3149
01:56:39,951 --> 01:56:41,201
- You won?

3150
01:56:41,494 --> 01:56:42,124
- I won.

3151
01:56:44,080 --> 01:56:44,830
- You won.

3152
01:56:46,332 --> 01:56:47,082
You won.

3153
01:56:48,501 --> 01:56:50,421
Why aren't you in there?

3154
01:56:51,462 --> 01:56:52,712
- I've got time.

3155
01:56:55,299 --> 01:56:56,719
I've got you guys.

3156
01:57:04,642 --> 01:57:06,392
Thank you for my note.

3157
01:57:11,065 --> 01:57:12,265
- You were great.

3158
01:57:12,567 --> 01:57:13,107
- [Lilah] I was?

3159
01:57:13,401 --> 01:57:13,941
- You were great.

3160
01:57:14,235 --> 01:57:14,855
- [Lilah] I heard you laughing.

3161
01:57:15,153 --> 01:57:15,693
- [John] Yeah, I was laughing.

3162
01:57:15,987 --> 01:57:16,527
You were hysterical.

3163
01:57:16,821 --> 01:57:17,361
- [Lilah] I could hear you laugh

3164
01:57:17,655 --> 01:57:18,195
louder than anybody.

3165
01:57:18,489 --> 01:57:19,029
- [John] You were wonderful.

3166
01:57:19,323 --> 01:57:19,873
You know what I was thinking, though.

3167
01:57:20,158 --> 01:57:21,068
Maybe you could tell the story about

3168
01:57:21,367 --> 01:57:21,907
remember when you were

3169
01:57:22,201 --> 01:57:22,831
giving birth to Carrie,

3170
01:57:23,119 --> 01:57:24,199
and you were laying in the parking lot

3171
01:57:24,495 --> 01:57:25,785
going "I'm Lamaze! I'm Lamaze!"

3172
01:57:26,080 --> 01:57:26,710
- [Lilah] Yeah, that's great.

3173
01:57:26,998 --> 01:57:27,538
- [John] You think you could

3174
01:57:27,832 --> 01:57:28,372
do something like that?

3175
01:57:28,666 --> 01:57:29,206
- [Lilah] Oh yeah, I never

3176
01:57:29,500 --> 01:57:30,630
thought of that.

3177
01:57:31,753 --> 01:57:34,253
(upbeat music)

3178
01:58:55,086 --> 01:58:56,336
- I need start to finish.

3179
01:58:56,629 --> 01:58:59,129
- There's a million stories at home,

3180
01:58:59,423 --> 01:59:01,513
and Jenny with her Round John Virgin.

3181
01:59:01,801 --> 01:59:02,591
- [Lilah] Oh, God, no!

3182
01:59:02,885 --> 01:59:03,425
Round John Virgin,

3183
01:59:03,719 --> 01:59:04,259
how can you remember that?

3184
01:59:04,554 --> 01:59:06,264
- [John] ♫ Round John Virgin

3185
01:59:06,556 --> 01:59:08,806
♫ Mother and child

3186
01:59:09,100 --> 01:59:09,810
- [Lilah] Oh, that's great.

3187
01:59:10,101 --> 01:59:11,101
I never thought of that.

3188
01:59:11,394 --> 01:59:12,814
- [Billy Lane] ♫ Don't care if I ever

3189
01:59:13,104 --> 01:59:13,654
♫ Have a dime

3190
01:59:13,938 --> 01:59:16,108
♫ If I could keep you

3191
01:59:16,399 --> 01:59:18,979
♫ Rolling in the aisle

3192
01:59:19,277 --> 01:59:21,857
♫ Here's a thought to see you home

3193
01:59:22,155 --> 01:59:25,065
♫ And wherever you may roam

3194
01:59:25,366 --> 01:59:28,986
♫ Remember this night

3195
01:59:29,287 --> 01:59:31,407
♫ And smile

3196
01:59:34,500 --> 01:59:36,840
(jazz music)